A Yankee salesman was traveling through the countryside peddling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is
so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield, buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite
on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the
house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet
he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.
"Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" He looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "My God,
Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
A crotchety old spinster was asked why she had never married. Her answer was tart: "I
have a dog that snarls, a parrot that swears, a cat that stays out all night and a fireplace
that smokes. Why in the dickens would I want a husband?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take
enough pain to get a tattoo.
After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo,too!"
The men all look surprised.
The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little gray mouse in a rather private place.
Do you want to see my tattoo?"
The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman.
Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a impish smile.
One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"
The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all.
My ***** must have eaten it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hat pin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"G-d!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
Rev. Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears Roebuck store. He looked around then
shouted, " I want to see the manager right now!"
The manager of the department came out and said, "How can I help you Reverend?"
Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are WHITE?"
The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines and said: "Reverend Jackson,
yes, all of our washing are white but if you look inside, you'll find that all of the Agitators are Black."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable
testimonials, the
PR department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their
trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for
the night.
"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting," said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did
you sit through it twice?" the usher asks. "We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old
lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeballs to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.
If you don't believe me,
pull a hair from your butt
and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....
THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.
THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...
THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *
THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION::
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.
THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.
THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.
THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Computer Terminology
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete - Any computer you own.
Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought
for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and
money is no object."
Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax
Error.
GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and
on business trips.
Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
