[bonyhadi]

Signs Your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs


16> Clears kids off the lawn with an AK-47.

15> When she offers you a home-baked cookie, she
says, "Go ahead,
honey -- the first one's free."

14> Not only is that cozy she's knitting shaped
like a bong,
it's black-light orange.

13> When she says "d-bag," she ain't talking'
feminine hygiene.

12> Frequently takes afternoon tea with Darryl
Strawberry and
Robert Downey, Jr.

11> She roughs up the pharmacist, snarling that
her Metamucil
was "stepped on."

10> "My, what a lot of rolling papers you have,
Grandma!"
"Yes, my dear, the better to -- hey, wait a
minute... are
you a nark?"

9> Threatens to pop a cap in your ass if you
don't finish your
vegetables.

8> Every teaspoon in her precious antique
collection has scorch
marks on the bottom.

7> Spends her days hangin' on the corner by the
pay phone,
sippin' on a 40 of Ensure.

6> Most grandmothers drive with their turn
signals on, but
not in a lime-green Lincoln Navigator with
tinted windows,
24-karat gold trim and slammin' subwoofers.

5> Constantly complains about her health --
still no glaucoma,
dammit!

4> Nana's got some serious bling-bling goin' on
with those solid
gold MedicAlert bracelets.

3> She pulls a gun on you whenever you reach for

the cookie jar.

2> Last time she made brownies, you woke up
three days later
in the baboon enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.

1> The local cops are arresting everyone with
lipstick on
their cheeks.



Rules of Beer Drinking


13> The first rule about Beer Club is you do not
talk about
Beer Club.

12> Before wringing spilled beer into your glass
from a soaked
shirt, make sure that your date is not still
wearing it.

11> Beer math: x(beer) + felony larceny - shirt =

"COPS"

10> The Barney Rule: Every sentence must start or

end with a belch.

9> Always offer to buy the first round if you
want to impress
the Bush girls.

8> The optimum number of beers consumed is
directly proportional
to the ugliness of one's date divided by the
distance to the
bathroom.

7> After a dozen beers, you must loudly declare
your love for
your drinking companion. Half a dozen if
you're drinking
Guinness.

6> The beer-can wall in the dorm is NOT
load-bearing.

5> After one six-pack of anything, Old Milwaukee

really *is*
as good as it gets.

4> Beer on whiskey, mighty risky; whiskey on
beer, all is clear;
beer on your shirt, take my word, friend:
You're *so* not
getting laid tonight.

3> When departing for the restroom, don't use
the word "lizard"
in mixed company.

2> If you drink a beer that has a fly in it, you

are required
by law to allow the fly to escape to freedom
through your
nose.

1> Never puke on something white after Labor
Day.















I AM THANKFUL FOR.....

THE PARTNER WHO HOGS THE COVERS EVERY NIGHT, BECAUSE HE/SHE
IS NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

THE TEENAGER WHO IS NOT DOING DISHES BUT IS WATCHING TV,
BECAUSE THAT MEANS HE/SHE IS AT HOME AND NOT ON THE
STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM
EMPLOYED.

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT
I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG, BECAUSE IT
MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK, BECAUSE IT MEANS I, AM
IN THE SUNSHINE.

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A
HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING
LOT, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND THAT I
HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF KEY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I
HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY,
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS,
BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE. AND FINALLY.........

FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL. BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO
ARE THINKING OF ME. (SEND THIS TO SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT,
AND WHEN YOU THINK YOUR LIFE IS SO BAD, READ THIS AGAIN).






First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing....
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole thing.












A group of four men often got together to play racquetball. After
the game, three of the men showered in the locker room, and then
went and had a few drinks in the club bar. After this had been
going on for some time, one of the three men asked the man who
always left, "How come you never hang around and get showered
and have a few drinks with us?"

The fourth man seemed a little embarrassed, but he admitted that
he didn't want to be seen in the shower with the other men because
he felt his penis was small.

So the first man asked, "Does it work?"

"Of course," said the fourth man, "it works extremely well."

So the first man asked, "Would you like to trade it in for one that
looks great in the shower?"