Not Ranked
The Five Stages of Drunkeness
(just in case you're gonna be one of those folks who thinks this only
applies to other people - pssssssssst you're wrong)
Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right.
And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes
for
an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realise that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the
entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.
Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person
about
any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can
buy
drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can
also
make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so,
naturally, you will always win.
Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You
will
also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you
are
clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now
INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the
people
who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength.
You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being
INVINCIBLE
you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything,
because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the
people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot
see
you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are
also
INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because
no
one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the
words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the
churning
stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only
several
hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on anything
whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12
hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror first thing
you
are horrified to discover that you have now become even UGLIER than
you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes
and a
glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your
grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too
STUPID
to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking.
Stage 3 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
the
door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is
now
missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened
to it
but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you
might
have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your
pocket
could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty
pound
note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that
STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe
that
you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start
to
loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE
As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE
self-esteem
plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you
feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS
This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot
this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even
worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of
you,
and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too
POOR
to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.
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