A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each
stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they
committed.
The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder"
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrong doing.
The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery"
Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is
Melvin, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for"
The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to admit it to us to make any
progress. Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs."
Everyone is disgusted!
They all shout, "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go?!!"
"Chihuahuas", Melvin replies.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal
sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnantfrom anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
GOLF CHIPS
This is a bonafide true story. An oldboy friend and I were watching the ladies play golf on
TV (said boyfriend having a deathgrip on the remote). One of the players hit a bad shot
off into the rough and had to make a difficult shot back out of a patch of brush to get back
onto the fairway. The player ends up straddling a small shrub to get the correct angle for
the shot and the female announcer says "This will be an extremely difficult shot for her
with that bush between her legs."
You hear a strangled, choking noise from the male announcer (who probably still thanks his
lucky stars today that he was off-camera);
the female announcer then repeats "Yes, a very difficult shot with that bush between her
legs."
You then hear this from the male announcer "snort...snort...gasp...Brahahahahahah"
Quick cut to commercial.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the
seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "Well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor".
"Well, what did he want to do?" They all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100", but he said he didn't have that much.
So I told him that oral sex would be $75,but he didn't have that much either. Finally I
said, "Well, how much do you have"?
The sailor said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "Well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said, "He pulled it out and I put one
hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second
hand"
"Oh my g-d" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge, then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!",she exclaimed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
As you all know, the stock market has not been in the greatest shape lately. It seems that,
because of current economic conditions, many companies are contemplating mergers and
acquisitions.
Here are a few mergers to keep an eye on, , , , , ,
1.Xerox and Wurlitzer (They're going to make reproductive organs.)
2.Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers (The new company will be called. . .
Fairwell Honeychild)
3.Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler (The new company will be called . . .
Poly-Warner-Cracker)
4.W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business Systems (The
new company will be called . . . Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)
5.The 3M and Goodyear (The new company will be called . . . MMM Good)
6.John Deere and Abitibi-Price (The new company will be called
. . . Deere Abi)
7.Honeywell, Imasco, and Home
Oil (The new company will be called . . . Honey, I'm Home)
8.Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining (The new company will be called. . . Mine All
Mine)
9.Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants (The new company will be called
. . . Poupon Pants)
10.Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women (The new company will be
called . . . Knott NOW)
11.Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining (The new company will be called .
. .Zip Audi Do-Da)
12.Motorola and Enron (The new company will be called . . . MORON)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~G-D AND THE EPA
The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was activated in Dec. 1970 with William Ruckelshaus as its director. The
Agency had been established earlier in July by executive order of President Nixon.
THE BEGINNING
In the beginning, G-d created the heavens and the earth. He was immediately slapped with a class-action suit for failing
to file an environmental impact statement with the EPA.
G-d was granted a temporary permit for the project but was stymied with the cease-and-desist order for the earthly part.
At the hearing, G-d said, "Let there be light." Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.
Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
G-d explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. He was granted provisional permission to make light,
assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit and that, to conserve
energy, he would turn the light off half the time.
G-d agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the darkness "night".
Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
G-d said, "Let the earth bring forth green herbs and bear much seed."
The EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.
Then G-d said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the HeavenlyWildlife
Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything went smoothly until G-d said He wanted to complete the project in six days.
Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a
public hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval period before....
At that point, G-d created Hell.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *
I love the lines men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll
only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~
When the man asked his widower father why he'd married
a young nymphomaniac whom he could never satisfy
instead of a woman his own age, the old man said,
"Son, I'd rather have ten percent of a good business
than a hundred percent interest in a bankrupt one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The prayer meeting was really jumping. The pastor asked for those who wanted to witness to get up and speak. A man
stood and shouted, "I have lusted in my heart!"
The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother. Tell it all!"
The brother said, "I have been slave to the demon alcohol!"
The pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"
The brother said, "I have been unfaithful to my dear wife!"
Again the pastor said, "Tell it all, Brother! Tell it all!"
The brother said, "I have screwed a goat!"
The pastor said, "I wouldn't have told that, Brother!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For
Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm
not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions...
1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
9. I'd rather watch a porno.
10. Eat it??? It took me ten beers to get up the courage to screw it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*