[bonyhadi]

Marriage......



You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead." W. W. Renwick
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends. You
order what you want, then when you see what the
other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I
married the wrong man."
~~~~~~~~~~~
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied,
"Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband
wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother
and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her
mother replied, "So what do you want from me,
sympathy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better
revenge than to let her keep him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
rest cheat in Europe.

Jackie Mason
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I
don't know son, I'm still paying."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what
real happiness was until I got married; by then it
was too late."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you
married him?" asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. A Second marriage is the triumph of
hope over experience.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you
start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights,
and so does she.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a heated spat over finances the husband said,
"Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to
clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife,
fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn
how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and
the gardener."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about
marriage is that as both husband and father, I can
say anything I want to around the house. Of course,
no one pays the least bit of attention.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to the latest surveys, when making love,
most married men fantasize that their wives aren't
fantasizing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got two girlfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive
way to get your laundry
done for free.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
packing your parachute.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second
guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are beautiful.
================================================== ==
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
================================================== ===========
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.
Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!"
Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!"
Lil' Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a
whorehouse!"
The teacher couldn't believe what she had just heard,
so she made a point of calling Lil' Johnny's father that evening.
When she told him what Johnny had said, he told her,
"Actually, I'm an attorney, but how I'm I supposed to explain that to a
seven year old???"
================================================== ===========
Heard Around the Office. . . .

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end
of the month than you did before.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit.
No use being a complete fool about it.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say
you've done and what you're going to do.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your
car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are
never talking about themselves.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, "I can't talk, please help me!"
The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the table here."
Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does
as he says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony,
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Then the doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until
you get to the entrance of a damp cavern.""At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.
Address it and say, 'I'm a sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm the egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
The instructor impressed upon the sperm that he had to swim hard and reach the egg first, otherwise it would all be pointless. "You really have to swim for it!"
Two days later, the sperm is taking a kip when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He
knows he has to arrive first.
When he nears the entrance of the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm but he still swims his heart out, tail fin aching, just to
reach the egg first.
At last he approaches the red, sticky ball, still way ahead of all the other sperm.
When, at last, he reaches the red sticky ball, he smiles and says "Hi, I'm a sperm."
The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."