[bonyhadi]

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And G-d created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,"What can be done with this useless boob?"
And G-d created man.
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Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street. "Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where-a you-a been for-a da past-a two weeks? No-aone-a seen-a you around."
"Don'na talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been-a inna da jail."
"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been-a in jail?"
"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna da beach, anna da cops come,arresta me and atrow me inna jail!"
"But dey donna trow you in jail-a just for lying onna da beach!"
Luigi countered."Yeah, but dissa beach was ascreamin' and akickin' and a yellin'."
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FACTS FROM THE 1500's

Next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like it,
think about how things used to be....

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still
smelled pretty good by June.

However they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of
the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the sons and other men, then
the women and finally the children--last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty
you could actually lose someone in it---hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the
bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs--thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was
the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice
rats, and bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the
animals would slip and fall off the roof--hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really
mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how
canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying
"dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they
spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept
adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A
piece of wood was placed in entry way--hence, a "thresh hold."

They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung
over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly
vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving
leftovers in the pot to
get cold overnight and then add to these to start over the next day.
Sometimes the stew had food in that had been there for quite a while--hence the
rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

At rare times they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that
a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and
would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes
were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers,
a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trencher were made from
stale paysan bread which was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time.
Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old
bread. After eating of wormy moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the
family got the middle, and guests got
the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock
them out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table
for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat
and drink and wait and see if they would wake up-hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and they started out running out of places to bury people. So
they would dig up coffins and would
take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When
reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up
through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
"grave yard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was
considered a "dead ringer."
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Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his
room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he
sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he
looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser." To test
her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then
twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last, despairing tug then yells, ... "Mary, Mother of G-d - Hand Lotion!"
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