Hawaiian Jewish greeting...
ALOHA OY:
Love; greetings; farewell;
and from such a pain you should never know
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his
new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome
you into the family," said the man. "To show you how
much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner
in my business. All you have to do is go to the
factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't
stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll
work in the office and take charge of some of the
operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't
stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made
you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you
don't like factories and won't work in a office. What
am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!!!"
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
During the last holiday season, many individuals
expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the
synagogue.
In order for us to place you in a seat which will best
suit you, we ask you to complete the following
questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as
soon as possible.
1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one
___ Talking section
___ No talking section
2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate
order of interest
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose
___ The rabbi
___ The rabbi's wife
___ The cantor
___ The cantor's wife
___ The gabbi
___ The gabbi's wife
___ The gabbi's "secretary"
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbors
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbors' relatives
___ President Clinton
___ President Clinton and Monica
___ Sex (Preference
________________)
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ Other: ____________________________
3. Which of the following would you like to be near
for free professional advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Mother in law
___ Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Lawyer
___ Criminal
___ Civil
___ Real estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Buyer (Specify store:_____________________ )
___ Sexologist
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
___ Other: ____________________________
4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority
___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near the window
___ In Aruba
___ Near the bathroom
___ Near my in-laws
___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
___ Near the pulpit
___ Near the Kiddush table
___ Near single men
___ Near available women
___ Near anyone who's available-I'm bisexual or just not particular
___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following
people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you
may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
_________________________ __________________________
_________________________ _________________________
_________________________ __________________________
Your name: _________________________________
Building fund pledge: _________________________
= = = = = =
Addendum to the Synagogue Seating Form
___Check here if you'd like the office to tell your
in-laws that there are no more seats available.
(Please note there is an extra charge of $100 for this
service.)
A Note From the High Holiday Seating Committee: A
special heartfelt thank you to the 3 families (you
know who you are) who submitted their reservation
forms without editorial comment, without special
seating requests, without drawing seating diagrams and
without citing Supreme Court precedent. As for all
the rest of you, we found your submissions highly
entertaining and we look forward to seating each
and every one of you in the Shul's 900 aisle seats.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Jewish Curses
May all your teeth fall out - except one, so you can
have a toothache.
May your blood turn to whiskey, so that a hundred
bedbugs get drunk on it and dance the mazurka in your
belly button.
May all your hair should fall out except for one - and
it should have dandruff.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were
having a fine time until Hymie began to gag.
"I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.
"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?"
"No, demmit, I'm serious!"
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The story is told of two men visiting New York City
for the first time who come across two Jews wearing
long black coats, wide-brimmed hats, with long
beards and payos (earlocks). One man turns to the
other and says, "What's that?"
The second man replies, "Hassidim."
The first man responds, "I see them, too -- but, what
are they?"
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Sam and Morris were partners in a clothing factory.
Sam decided to take a trip to Rome. Morris had a lot
of catholic friends and surprised Sam with an audience
with the Pope. On his first day back to work after his
trip to Rome he and Morris started talking and Morris
said to Sam, so, what kind of a man is the Pope? Sam
replied, I would say he is a 44 regular
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"There probably aren't many Jewish girls dancing at
Radio City Music Hall, but it doesn't take a Rockette
Zionist to figure that one out." --Gary Hallock
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The Israeli police were looking for a man named
Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa.
The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona
ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist,
and he worked occasionally as a farmer In short, he was "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from
Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife
Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had
hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on
the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they
were the two best towels we had... the ones we got
from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
In the middle of lunch, Mrs. Slotnick is interrupted
by a committee of workmen who report that her husband
has just been badly wounded on the job and is in
critical condition at the hospital. She does not say
a word and continues eating.
They say again, "Do you hear what we are telling you,
Mrs. Slotnick? Your husband was hurt and he is in
critical condition!"
"Gentlemen," she says, "I heard absolutely every word.
And as soon as I finish this soup, you are going to
hear such a scream!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~