[bonyhadi]

Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fatproducing calories...
REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories

GETTING INTO BED

Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS

For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories

PUTTING ON CONDOM

With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM

If the woman who does it is:Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.

POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS

Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories

ORGASM

Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE

Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Birds sang: Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories

PULLING OUT

After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories

PENIS ENVY

For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories

GUILT

Banging your boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories

AGGRAVATION

Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories

GETTING CAUGHT

By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories
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A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"
"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.
"Oh really, I can't," he replied. "She loves it."
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face and said "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon."
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Dog Peeves
1. Blaming your gas on me.. Not Funny.
2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog you idiot.
3. Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick balancing food on my nose.. Stop it.
5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?
6. Getting upset when I sniff crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet, idiot.
7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.
8. Taking me to the vet for "The big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
9. Dog Sweaters
10. The sleight of hand... fake-fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
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Things Never to Say to a Man With a Small Penis
It's more fun to look at.
Make it dance.
You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
Can I paint a smiley face on that?
It looks like a nightcrawler.
Wow, and your feet are so big.
My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
It's OK, we'll work around it.

What a Difference 2 Inches Makes
Guy, naked in front of the mirror:
'Two inches more, and I would be a king.'
Wife: 'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen


The 37-Stitch Circumcision
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the
day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short
intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give
back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club
when they all heard that my circumcision required thirty-seven stitches."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties!
We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.
Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner
with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
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There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled. All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to Purgatory.
Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
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Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years,
decided they needed to visit a cathouse for some tail..... When they
arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to
waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls
instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their
business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got
to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She
never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" The second
man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's
that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast..... she
farted and flew out the window!"
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IF "AOL" OWNED YOUR CITY...

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door
would be stuck.

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really
are important to us."

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff
everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun up.

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your
back.

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY,
THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY
UNAVAILABLE.":-)