You know you are an e-mail addict when...
1) You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2) You get a tattoo that reads "This body best
viewed with Internet Explorer 2.0 or higher."
3) You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.
4) You turn off your modem and get this awful
empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
5) You spend half the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional
year or two, just for the free Internet access.
7) You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.
8) You start using smilies in snail mail.
9) Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged
in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up
the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number.
You try to hum to communicate with the modem .... and you succeed.
10) You find yourself typing "com" after every period
when using a word processor.com
11) You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."
12) You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."
13) Your cat has its own home page.
14) All of your friends have an @ in their names.
15) You can't call your mother .... she doesn't have a modem.
16) You check your e-mail. It says "No new messages."
So you check it again.
17) Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
18) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
19) You tell the cab driver you live at
http://1000.Madison.ridge/house/brick.html"
20) You get up at 4:45 am and login so you can use the computer
before your husband gets up and hogs it for the rest of the day!
Dear God,
**** Grant me the strength to last until Back to School
Night.
* Give me the energy to drive the swim team carpool,
take knots out of wet shoelaces with my teeth and untangle
the dog from the sprinkler hose.
* Grant me the wisdom to remember the name of the
redheaded kid from down the street who hasn't left our
house since July.
**** Walk with me through the backyard over piles of wet
bathing suits and empty ice cream cups, to rescue my good
lipstick from the bottom of the wading pool.
**** Give me the courage to accept that everything in the
refrigerator either has a bite out of it, had a finger
stuck in it or is reproducing in the vegetable crisper
underneath the expensive cheese.
**** Guide me down the hallway to the laundry room, where I
can experience five minutes of peace and quiet by turning
the lights out and climbing on the dryer so the kids can't
see my feet underneath the door.
**** Help me accept that fact that even if I take the kids
to the circus, install a pool in the backyard, go on a
safari, and carve a redwood tree into a canoe and sail down
the Congo, my children will end each day with "I'm bored."
**** Grant me the serenity to smile when my husband insists
on tossing the Hamburger Helper on the gas grill because
"everything tastes better barbecued."
**** In your infinite wisdom, show me how to disconnect the
video game console that hasn't been turned off since June
22.
**** Comfort me when I realize the color of my earth-tone
carpet has changed into a mixture of melted blue Popsicle
and the remains of somebody's purple slushie.
**** And if I ask too much, God, just give me the foresight
to know that one day - not too many years from now - the
barbecue, television and sprinkler hose will be off; the
refrigerator, front door and garage will be closed, and I
will wonder where my children - and the little redheaded
boy with the glasses - went.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN.....
1.* The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2.* You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3.* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4.** You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5.* Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
6.* You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7.* Someone in your family died right after saying: "Hey watch this."
8.* You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9.* Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10.* Your junior prom had a daycare.
11.* You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
12.* You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13.* The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14.* You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15.* One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16.* You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17.* You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18.* You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
19.* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20.* Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
*