Traffic Cops
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a
damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!!
So I called him a horse f_**ker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes!
Anyway, after giving up with all the arguing, I walked over to my car that was parked around the corner and
drove off......
Two old men sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied
Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said
George.
Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times
in one night"!
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Women - You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When ...
15. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the
blanket.
14. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.
13. PMS lasts all month.
12. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.
11. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now "Are you finished yet?!"
10. He yawns when you ***** about that guy hitting on you at work.
9. Dildos, S & M, menage ... anything to break the monotony.
8. You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.
7. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.
6. Two weeks no orgasm.
5. Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.
4. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.
3. You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.
2. The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.
And the number one sign the honeymoon is over ...
1. You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.
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If a bra is an upper topper flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a
lower decker pecker checker, and roll of toilet tissue is a
super duper pooper scooper, what do you call a Japanese drummer boy
whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy!
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How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
He stopped breathing.
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground instead of the usual six
feet?
Because deep down, they are really good people.
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A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good
Samaritan and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag
him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times.
When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls
down
four more times. They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your
husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"
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A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure
enough,
when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. She
becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun to
shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief. She puts the gun up
to the side her head. Her boyfriend yells "Honey, don't do it." She
replies
"Shut up, you're next."
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What's the definition of frenzy?
Two blind lesbians walking through a fish market.
Why don't blondes use vibraters?
It's too easy to chip their teeth.
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A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20
years of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and
went into a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers.
She went home, tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a
short skirt to go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from
work and sat across from him after she prepares him a drink. She slowly
spread her legs, and in a husky come **** me voice say's "Honey, would
you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his aging wife's legs and lets out his
breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its
done to your ****in' underwear."
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"It's got to be your ears!"
*
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to*
put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a
conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was
obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying
to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment;
she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off
completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and
solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming? That was me."