[bonyhadi]

Stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier.

St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to six hours.

Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the
memory of how awful they were as
teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.

Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening
out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.

Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of
country western music.

Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to
flip off other drivers.

Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving
grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing
money spent on make-up.

Menicillin ... Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,
"You make me want to be a better person
... can we get naked now?"

Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of
spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant
buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers.

Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
"Not now, dear, I have a headache,"
syndrome.

Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him
all weekend, saving the wife the time
and trouble of doing it herself.

Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the
dating pool.

















Martha Stewart VS. The Real Women!

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a
sugar cone to prevent
ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake,
you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet
up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in
the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in
the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking
pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there
won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's
still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt
for an instant fix me up.

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. Please
recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it
and you will eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the
refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before
baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg whites
over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and
drink. You might still
have the headache, but who cares?

Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex
dishwashing gloves.They
give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip:

Martha's way #10:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into
ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine??????