Well, not being terribly well-versed in what to do with
snake bites, I thought I'd at least present what not to
do, or what I think one shouldn't do.
1. Yell "BAD SNAKE!! BAD SNAKE!!" and attempt to stomp
on the snake in revenge
2. Apply a tourniquet and then cut off the leg
3. Set a signal fire in the middle of a dry prairie
4. Try to go after the babies in hopes of preventing
further propagation of the species
5. Run yelling and screaming towards the nearest
highway (if you can remember) "I've been bit!! I've
been bit!!" Discover 2 hours later that you've been
running in circles.
6. Lay down in a bed of flowers and take it like a (wo)
man.
7. Hold down the talk button on your 2 way radio--
someone's bound to hear your wailing at some point.
8. When you get out and you're laying in the hospital
bed, tell everyone that the little 6 inch baby rattler
was actually a 6 foot king cobra. Most people aren't
herpetologists, they'll never know the difference....
Good Questions?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look up there anyway?
Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
Why ARE Trix only for kids?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn
oil is made from corn, and vegetable
oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby
oil made from?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in
the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint
somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.
People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.
Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You, too, can win arguments. Simply follow
these rules:
Drink Liquor
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know
nothing about. If you're drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the
hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large
martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information.
You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights
and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
Make Things Up
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base
solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and
you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981
dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty
level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr.
Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford
Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say,
"You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."
Use Meaningless But Weighty-Sounding Words and Phrases
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for
"I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers
more often, but they don't have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of
appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would
like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
Use Snappy and Irrelevant Comebacks
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid
points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters"
means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: "As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873..."
Your opponent says: "Lincoln died in 1865."
You say: "You're begging the question."
OR
You say: "Liberians, like most Asians..."
Your opponent says: "Liberia is in Africa."
You say: "You're being defensive."
Compare Your Opponent to Adolf Hitler
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring
Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like
something Adolph Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolph Hitler."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally
carry weapons.