[bonyhadi]

Three drunks are in a bar. First one says, "I'm the bravest in here."
His friends say, "Prove it."
He puts his hand on the bar and tells the bartender cut it off. Whack!
Off comes the hand.
The second man walks to bar. Yells out cut off my arm. Whack! Off comes
the arm.
The third man walks to bar, stands on a stool, pulls out his penis. The
bartender asks, "Do you want me to cut it off?"
"NO!" yells the man. "Just rub it it'll come off itself."
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Your future depends on your dreams
So go to sleep !
*****
ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY
So what ? Who's in a hurry ?
*****
Work fascinates me
I can look at it for hours !
*****
G-d made relatives;
Thank G-d we can choose our friends
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In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were
asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents
said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While
this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that
most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and
the other is cleaning.
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These three guys walk up to a bar and are greated by a woman. The woman
says that in order for them to be able to get into the bar the lengths
of their dicks must add up to a foot. The first guy whips his out and
she measures it at 6 in. The next guy wips his out and she measures it at 5
inches. The last guy takes his out and she measures it at 1 in.
After they come out of the bar the first guy states how lucky they are
that he had such a long dick. The second guy says the same thing. The
third guy says that the other two should be especially grateful that he
had a boner.
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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party
in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside
and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly,
the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked,
"Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her
grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and
she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
And she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down
the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he
got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out
and suck them dry."
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How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
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My blonde cousin was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she
saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT." After thinking for a
minute, she said to herself, "Oh, well!" and turned around and drove
home.
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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes
off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an
erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning
sweetly and says:
"Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that
if I give you a erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she
then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel by the side
of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with
her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down,
and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man
with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what
do you mean"
The Huge Man says: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you
fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob
around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.
Bob rushes back to the colony office. The smiling naked receptionist
greets him: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500
joining fee."
Receptionist:"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you
only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a
month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
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In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said
they didn't care - they would have married him anyway!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a LovelyWalker"
Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot YourFace"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harum: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
~!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Secrets to a happy marriage:
1. It is important to find a woman who cooks andcleans.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes goodmoney.
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to havesex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
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When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion. He said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your
wife's family give you highblood pressure?"He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
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Competition is sometimes hot and heavy between Barbershops.
One place put up a sign: "Why pay $20 for a haircut? We only charge $7.00."
Another store fought back: "$7 Haircuts Repaired Here"
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Printed on my next T-Shirt -"Inside me, there's a thin woman trying to get out. But I can usually shut the ***** up with a Hot Fudge Sundae!!!!"
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Diet time...
You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
You could sell shade.
You dance and it makes the band skip.
You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
Your blood type is Ragu.
Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.
"In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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A man walks into a health food restaurant after a day at the office, sits down and orders a
nice big dish of brown rice and stir-fry veggies. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the
bowl on the counter by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and as he starts
to chew he hears a voice say,
"That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"
Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see
anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more
peanuts into his mouth.
Next he hears a voice, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They
look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at
his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little weirded out, he grabs
another handful of peanuts.
This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very
nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me
how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I GOING
CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, ". . . they're complimentary !!"
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