[bonyhadi]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of
the background checks, interviews, and testing were
done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents
took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a
gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what
the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting
in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill
my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow,
and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death
with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
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Rules for Stray Cats
1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up or cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in "y".
11. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new .99 sisal rope cat scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty Komfort Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyy-kmm4hb USING IT.
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The limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?"
The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off.
The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?"
He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."
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Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies.
That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep. When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second
daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,"Why were you screaming last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true."
She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
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Four old duffers are pounding their balls around the links
when a sudden thunderstorm pops up.
<ZAP>
A bolt of lightning kills all four in one stroke. Soon, they find
themselves at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter is all upset, papers flying in the air, "You guys
aren't supposed to be here yet. It's not your time! I'll
tell ya what...I can put you all back on Earth to finish out
your days, but you have to decide how. That is, everyone
down there already knows you're all dead, so I can't send
you back as who you were. Figure it out amongst yourselves
and I'll check back with you later."

Some time goes by and St. Peter returns, "Well, have you
decided how you want to go back?"

One of the golfers steps forward, "St. Peter, we've decided
that we all want to go back to earth as lesbians."

"LESBIANS!" St. Peter shouts, "why lesbians?"

"Well, sir, we all love to eat ***** and we wanna hit from
the red tees."
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If a ram is a ram, and an ass is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is a goose?
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A distraught man goes to see a psychologist.
How may I help you? the doctor asks.
Doc, every night, I have the same dream. I'm lying in bed and a dozen women walk in and try to rip my clothes off and have wild sex with me.
And then what do you do? the shrink asks.
I push them away, the man says.
Then what do you want me to do? the shrink asks.
Break my arms!
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A shapely female coworker walked into the lunchroom the other day sporting a tight white T-shirt with the word "GUESS" boldly emblazoned across the front.

I simply couldn't resist... I walked right up and said, "36C ?"
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Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A. A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.
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A man picks up a fat girl in a bar. He's been there all night drinking and now he just wants to get laid.

An hour later, they're busy shagging when he says, "Can we switch the light off?"

"Why dear?" she asks, "Are you shy?"

"No," he replies, "it's just that it's burning my ass!"
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Two Arab terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr.
Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
...There's a pause...
The second terrorist says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
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While traveling, Brett and I saved some money by staying in a cheap hotel.
Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds of mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room.
At first we were amused by the amorous couple.
After five minutes it had lost its charm.
After ten minutes we were a little annoyed.
After fifteen minutes, we were ticked off, as it was keeping us awake.
After half an hour we were incensed!
After an hour we were pretty damned impressed.
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