[bonyhadi]

PINOCCHIO

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio,
therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he
could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of
weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio
bouncing happily through town and asked him, How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"


CINDERELLA

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her
fairy godmother appears, and promises to
provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a
diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second
condition?" "You must be home by 2a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. " Cinderella agrees to be home
by 2 a.m. The appointed hour
comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.


Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy
godmother. "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"


"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his
name!" "I can't remember, exactly...Peter
Peter, something or other..."


MICKEY MOUSE

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, ?I didn't say she was
crazy, I said she's ****ing Goofy."


RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and,
holding a sword to her throat, said,
"Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled
out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him
and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"


SNOW WHITE

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on
his face screaming, "Lie to me! Lie
to me!"

Oh.......................................by the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?













An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and
reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to
afford to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 10 pounds, go and buy yourself
some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into
his pocket and says, "For the sake of
decency, here's
5 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under
it.

"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?" She too explains, "You don't give me enough money to be able to afford any."

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"













The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the
clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer.

"She's expecting a cruise."












The Perks of Being Over 40

Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend
Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical recliners.

Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard
sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a
wood stove,
he is using you to heat the family room this
winter.
Rather than just saying you are not amused,
you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your
kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the
Heaven's Gate Cult
gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your
Brownie troop on
a field trip to Chippendale's.

Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN...Your sweetie says, "Let's go
upstairs and make
love,"and you answer, "Pick one, I
can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN...Your friends compliment You on
your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN...A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN...Going bra-less pulls all the
wrinkles out of your
face.
"OLD" IS WHEN...You don't care where your spouse
goes, just as long
as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by
the doctor instead
of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..."Getting a little action" means I
don't need to take
any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..."Getting lucky" means you find
your car in the parking
lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN...An "all-nighter" means not
getting up to pee.












Little Turtle Climbing a Tree


The little turtle climbs the tree very slowly, very
painfully. Then she crawls along a branch, to the very
end, and when she finally gets to the edge, she jumps.
And she falls. But she doesn't get discouraged. So she
walks to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls
along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps.
And falls to the ground.

Again, with a stubborn look in her face, the little
turtle walks slowly to the tree, she climbs the tree,
she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and
she jumps. And falls.

In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are looking at the
little turtle. Walk, climb, crawl, jump. Fall. And all
over again.

After a while one of the pigeons ask the other,

"Hey honey, don't you think its time we tell her that
she is adopted?"