[bonyhadi]

Bad ASS Leroy

A rich white guy decided that he wanted to throw
a party and invited a few of his buddies. He also
invited Leroy, the only black guest at the party.


He held the party in the backyard of his mansion.
Everybody was having a good time drinking,
dancing, talking to the ladies. At the height of
the party, the rich white guy said, "I have a
man-eating alligator in my pool and I will give
anyone a million dollars if he is man enough to
jump in."

All of a sudden there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!


HE WAS FIGHTING THE ALLIGATOR AND KICKING IT'S
ASS. He was doing head butts, jabs, choke holds,
all kinds of stuff; the water was splashing and
the alligator was screaming. Leroy finally
strangled the alligator and as it sunk to the
bottom, Leroy slowly got out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him. The rich white
guy said, "Damn, I guess I owe you a million
dollars..." Leroy said," No, that's okay." The
rich white guy said," Man, I have to give you
something, you won the bet.
How about half a million?" The brother said no.
The rich white guy said "Come on, I insist on
giving you something.......how about stock
ptions...a Rolex or maybe a Porsche......? Again,
Brotherman said "No." The confused rich
white guy said, "Well Leroy, what do you want?"
Leroy said, " I just want the motherf%#$er who
pushed me in the pool."














The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List

DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed. It will
cause aggression problems down the road.

DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate. Crate is
just another word for small cage.

DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night. If God
had wanted dogs to sleep outside, he would have
covered their body with hair to keep them warm.

DON'T let your dog sleep. You should be playing
with him all the time.

DON'T keep more than two dogs. Each individual
dog requires considerable time and energy, and it
is impossible for a responsible dog owner to
spend quality time with more than two dogs.

DON'T keep less than five dogs. Dogs are pack
animals, and five dogs is the minimum number for
proper socialization.

DON'T feed your dog kibble. Kibble is the
invention of evil capitalists who want your
money, and kibble has no nutritional value
whatsoever. You might as well feed your dog
sawdust.

DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken. Cooking
destroys all the nutrients.

DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken. Raw
food contains salmonella, e-coli, and other
harmful bacteria.

DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl.
It will turn his nose pink.

DON'T post messages to a dog list. You will
surely get bopped on the head for thinking that
someone else cares about your silly little
opinions.

DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick. It has
nothing to do with dogs, but it's a good rule
nonetheless.

DON'T microchip your dog. A nearby cell phone can
cause a microchipped dog to explode, or so says
the lady running the tattoo booth.

DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear. A dog thief
will cut off the tattooed ear.

DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh. He'll be a
tripod before you can say Ginsu.

DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended.
He could get caught on something and choke.

DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar.
He could run away without any identification.

DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate.
Plastic crates don't allow sufficient air flow.

DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate. In a
car accident, a wire crate transforms into a
doggie skewer. On days you plan to have a car
accident, it's acceptable to use a plastic crate.


DON'T let your dog drive. It's against the law in
many states.

DON'T enter your dog in conformation. It's
b-o-r-i-n-g for the dog.

DON'T enter your dog in obedience. It's
B-o-r-i-n-g with a capital "B."

DON'T enter your dog in agility. The jumps will
injure his joints.

DON'T send your dog out with a handler. Only a
psychopath would send their beloved pet with a
complete stranger.

DON'T handle your dog yourself. You've got a
great dog, and he deserves a much better handler
than you will ever be.

DON'T get a purebred dog. Too much inbreeding has
produced dogs with temperament and health
problems.

DON'T get a mutt. You don't know anything about
their pedigree. In fact, if you're thinking about
getting a dog, get a cat instead.

DON'T don't. That's right, you heard me, just
don't!

DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws intact. He will
rip one off jumping a log or something, which is
quite painful.

DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws. Dewclaws are
acupuncture points that are needed for proper
functioning of the kidneys.

DON'T trim your dog's whiskers. Dogs use their
whiskers to determine the size of their head,
which is important when they are out shopping for
a new hat.













A male crab and a female lobster are dating,
but for obvious reasons, they must hide their
love from their parents. Eventually, the lobster
tells her father, who forbids her from seeing the
crab.

"But we're in love!" cries the lobster girl. "Why
can't I see him again?"

Her father tries to come up with a good excuse
and says, "Because crabs walk sideways and
we walk straight."

"Please, Daddy," she cries. "Just meet him
once. You'll change your mind."

The father relents, and the daughter rushes off
to tell her crab suitor.

Desperate to make a good first impression, the
crab spends weeks learning to walk straight.
Finally, with tremendous effort, he can move without
scuttling sideways and walks all the way to the
lobster's house as straight as he can. The father
sees the crab coming and yells to his daughter,
"Here comes your crab boyfriend-and he's drunk!"












Reasons to Go to Work Naked


13> Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see
your ass in here
by 8:00!"

12> Can take advantage of computer monitor
radiation to work on
your tan.

11> Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in
Human Resources.

10> "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in
my pants."

9> To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from
looking down your
blouse.

8> You want to see if it's like the dream.

7> So that -- with a little help from Muzak --
you can add
"Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

6> Splattering grease from deep fryer is really
hard to get out
of your uniform.

5> People stop stealing your pens after they've
seen where you
keep them.

4> Diverts attention from the fact that you also
came to work
stoned.

3> Because setting the nation's monetary policy
and keeping
Andrea Mitchell satisfied requires a delicate
balance.

2> Keeps that snooty Ruth Bader-Ginsberg on her
toes.

1> Because the President insists when Hillary's
out of town.










S AND M

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th
class reunion, and they haven't seen
each other since graduation. They
begin to talk and bring each other
up to date. The conversation covers
their husbands, their children,
homes, etc. and finally gets around
to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every
week or so but it's no big adventure,
how's yours?"

Sally replies, "It's just great,
ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never
would have guessed that you would go
for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores
while I Masturbate!