An English woman and a Redneck woman woman were grocery shopping, After
watching the other woman staring at and hefting two potatoes she asks,
"What are you looking at?"
The Redneck woman says the potatoes reminded her of her husband's
testicles.
The English woman exclaims, "THEY ARE THAT BIG?"
The redneck woman says, "No, they are that dirty!"
Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to
go to the store to get some cheap booze.
In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much
do you have?"
His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?"
The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a
great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says.
"We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar
and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull
out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar
and we won't have to pay!"
The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and
order two beers and drink them down. When the
beer is gone, the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts
sucking on it.
"What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and
the two run out laughing. "That was great, and
it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!"
So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This time it's 4
beers! The free drinks continue for 20 bars through
the night. At the end of the night, the thoroughly inebriated second drunk
says, "Man what a great night. All this drinking
is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."
"Sausage?" says the first. "I lost the sausage about eight bars ago!"
This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing
for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds
for the suit.
"I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband.
"Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?"
"That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer.
"Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference."
The Japanese have invented the perfect woman robot.
It has 5 buttons.
1. ****
2. Suck
3. Cook
4. Clean
5. Off
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated
on by his son Morris, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens
to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said. "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who
said,'Give me liberty or give me death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who said, "Patrick Henry,
1775."
"Very good! Who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth.'?"
Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki is
new to our country and he knows more about our history than you. She heard
a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put is hand up, "Lee Icocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah! Suck this!"
Suzuki jumped out of his chair, waving his hand and yelled to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "If you say anything else
I'll kill you!"
Suzuki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. As the class`gathered around, someone said,
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer
approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about
something.
"Good afternoon Sir." says the officer. "Do you know why I stopped
you?"
"Yes, officer..." answers the man, "I know I was speeding--but it is
a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really?" says the curious officer. "How's that?"
The man explains, "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
The officer says, "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
The man exclaims, "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a
dead man."
Hallmark Greetings
1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers... and a box of Depends.
4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... What the hell was I
thinking?
6. Congratulations on your wedding day! ...Too bad no one likes your husband.
7. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?
8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you... I've changed my
mind.
9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you.
10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.
11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
12. Someday I hope to get married... but not to you.
13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
14. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time
you kept your promise.
15. I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend... So here's his leash, water bowl
and chew toys.
16. We have been friends for a very long time... let's say we stop?
17. I'm so miserable without you... it's almost like you're here.
18. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... Did you ever find out who the father was?
19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd
miss you terribly and think of you often.
20.Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... So we're having you put to sleep.
21. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama and
Mississippi)
