[bonyhadi]

Do you know why most men from Italy are named
Tony? On the boat over to
America they put a sticker on them that said TO
NY.

You know you're Italian when . . .
. You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a
day and still cry
when your mother yells at you.

. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because
you can't fit two
cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and
pizzelles into a regular
lunch bag.

. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician,
accountant, travel agent and
lawyer are all your cousins.

. You have at least 5 cousins living in the same
town or street. All
five of those cousins are named after your
grandfather or grandmother. .

You are on a first name basis with at least 8
banquet hall owners. .

You only get one good shave from a disposable
razor. .

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it
is presumed his Mother
had an affair.

. There are more than 28 people in your bridal
party. .

You netted more than $50,000 on your first
communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when:
.

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

. You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

. Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

. Your mom's meatballs are the best.

. You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a
shoe thrown at you. .

Plastic on the furniture is normal.

. You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and
"mozzarella." .

You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or
"gravy." .

You've called someone a "mamaluke."

. And you understand "bada bing"










How To Be A Good Dog
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid
of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly
and leap playfully on this person. If the human
falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick
its face and growl gently to show your concern.

BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected
to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be
very happy to hear you protecting their house.
Especially late at night while they are sleeping
safely in their beds. There is no more secure
feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the
middle of the night and earing your protective
bark, bark, bark...

LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water
dish immediately before licking your human.
Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch
your human a towel.

HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the
middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig
a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they
won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of
dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink
it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the
ground. Strive daily to do your part to help
correct this problem.

DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is
always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed.
Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog,
to accommodate them.

DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at
dinner, especially when there are guests, so you
can clean up any food that falls on the floor.
It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to
humans, so break as much of the house as
possible.

GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for
a walk with your master or mistress, never go to
the bathroom on your own lawn.

COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on
the new couch after all your humans have gone to
bed.

PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a
ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your
fall so you don't injure yourself.

CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you
never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the
fun.

CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion
industry. ...Eat a shoe.




















Closing Time

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar,
hoping for a bust. At closing time, as everyone came out,
he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously
inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around
the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his
own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the
other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off,
wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the
grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he
pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The Patrolman, just waiting for this, turned on his lights
and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer
test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00!

The Patrolman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be
broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."
















Young Son

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest
son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's
office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter,
as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle
this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one.
"You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just
gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked,
"Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"










First Encounters

Miss Figpotr was trying impress upon her seventh
grade history class how Native Americans must have
felt when they first encountered the Spanish
explorers. "How would you feel," said she, "if
someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very
different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual
clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," Little Johnny answered, "I'd just figure
it was my sister's date."