[bonyhadi]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NURSE IF.....

The front of you scrubs read: 'Nurses...here to
save
your ass, not kiss it!'

You occasionally park in the space with the
'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over.

You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the
light.'

You believe that all the patient needs is some
vitamin
A (ativan)

You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV
fluid,
meds, and patience all at the same time

You believe some patients are alive only because
it's
illegal to kill them

You do the
"only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell
happy
dance"

You always follow the rules, but be wise enough
to
forget them sometimes.

You believe any family member who is more drunk
(or
more stupid) than the patient, is the real
problem.

You can't cure stupid.

You believe if it's wet and sticky and not yours,
leave it alone!

You believe just because someone's license date
is
before yours does not mean they know what they
are
doing.

You have seen more moons than the Hubble
telescope.

To you the phrase "divide and conquer" means
getting
two co-workers to help you change the bedsore
dressing
in the crack of a 400 pound patient.

You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into
the
lube while inserting a foley on a patient that
has
pulled out three catheters on your shift while
restrained.

You own at least three pens with the names of
prescription medications on them

You never get into an argument with an idiot,
because
they only bring you down to their level and then
beat
you with experience

You ever had a patient die shortly after saying,
'Hey,
watch this'

You ever wished that they would make corrugated
catheters to use on really annoying patients.

You no longer have a gag reflex.

You make up new ways to describe strange patients
True
--a doctor friend of mine would put the number
"45" on
the chart to warn the nurses that
the patient wasn't playing with a full load of
chromosomes.

You hope there's a special place in Hell for the
inventor of the call light.

You believe not all patients are annoying. Some
are
dead.

You believe the definition of stress is when you
wake
up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen
asleep
yet.

You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced
meal.

You tell cops where to go without fear!

You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.

You've ever thought, 'Patients, God love 'em,
because
today, I sure don't!'

You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse'
causes it to get worse just to show you it can.

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom

You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient
as a
FORD (Found On Road Drunk)

You call some of your co-workers 'Flowers in the
Field
of Medicine' because they're bloomin' idiots

You've ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin' to
Die)
or L.T.B.B (Lucky To Be Breathing)

You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would
be an
excellent gift for Christmas.

You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope
than on
a car payment.

You notice that you use more four-letter words
now
than before you became a nurse.

You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and
"vagina"
in a normal conversation.

You look in your closet and can't find anything
non-medical to wear.

You believe any job where you can drive to work
in
pajamas is a cool job.

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if
nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't
understand the situation.

Everyone gets treated exactly the same---until
they
piss you off.

The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why
the
hell not!

You can identify the following Syndromes:

F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor)

A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way)

W.O.T.A.M. (Waste of Time & Money)

You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil

You have placed your irritating patients/family
members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The ASS)
precautions!

Ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test
prompts her to call the next day and ask if you
can
tell who the father is.

Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease".

You know it's a full moon without having to look
at
the sky.

You have ever referred to a patient as
"genetically
challenged."

You've developed a crease between your brows from
trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions
you've encountered over the years.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is
perfectly natural.

You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you
consider it a form of birth control.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a
Winnebago's water tank.

You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's
vein
and said, "Now your going to feel a little
stick."

You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a
brow
ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of
shots."

You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they
actually cover their mouth to cough.

You automatically multiply by three the number of
drinks a patient claims to have daily.

You can keep a straight face when a patient
responds,
"Just two beers."

You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from
constantly
locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet

You refer to a patient as having a high DBI (dirt
bag
index), which is calculated by the following
formula:
DBI = number of tattoos divided by number of
missing
teeth, multiplied by number of "tracks" added to
estimated days without a bath!

Your idea of a meal break is finishing your
coffee
before it gets cold

You make up acronyms so non-medical people won't
know
just how sick you really are: GOMER, GORK,
TSTL...(Get
Out Of My Emergency Room, God Only Really Knows,
Too
Stupid To Live)

You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate
choice
for mental status

You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems
perfectly
normal

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac

You believe the government should require a
permit to
reproduce

You believe the 'On-call Nurse' program is a
satanic
plot

You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if
the
word 'quiet' is uttered

You believe every waiting room should have a
Valium
salt lick

You believe you have patients who are demonically
possessed

You believe waiting room time should be in
proportion
to the length of time from symptom onset (You've
had
pain for 3 weeks...have a seat, well get to you
in 3
days)

You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the
food
group

You know the local detox center number by heart

You believe the lab should have a 'dumb ****'
profile
on the lab requisition slip

You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live'
should be
a diagnosis

You have to leave the patient before you begin to
laugh uncontrollably

You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it
Right
the First Time' will be your next project.

You find humor in other people's stupidity

Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat

You believe a good tape job will fix anything

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and
wolf
down your food, even in the nicest restaurants

Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift
change

You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and
75% of
what you see

You have your weekends off planned a year in
advance

You feel that most suicide attempts should be
given a
free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine.

You've ever had a patient look you dead in the
eye and
say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there".

You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't
a
sexual experience.

Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than
Fred
Flintstone's

Your immune system is well developed that it has
been
know to attack and kill squirrels in the
backyard.

You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and
run
over by the portable x-ray machine.





Date Rape Drug Targeting Males

Police warn all clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to
be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many
females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in
liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by
female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs
only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply
ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers"
men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific
looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague
feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate
men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known
as "a relationship". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this
scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory
female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you
fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every
town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an
open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the
yellow pages.