[bonyhadi]

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows:
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name!
Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session.
Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch!
Shall I format your brain?"
This is a message from G-d: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
Keyboard not attached.
Press F1 to continue.
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
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SHE'S GOT PMS IF...
1. She retains more water than Lake Superior.
2. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
3. She buys me a new T-shirt with a "bulls eye" on the front.
4. She stops reading Cosmo and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
5. She's suddenly developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
6. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semi-automatic and "chambers a round."
7. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding her broom.
8. She buys $100 worth of chocolate and justifies it by saying "But honey, I just know it's one of the major food groups."
9. When I ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
10. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Caffeine-free Coke
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THINGS PMS COULD STAND FOR...
Pass My Shotgun

Psychotic Mood Shift

Perpetual Munching Spree

Puffy Mid-Section

People Make me Sick

Provide Me with Sweets

Pardon My Sobbing

Pimples May Surface

Pass My Sweatpants

Pissy Mood Syndrome

Plainly; Men Suck

Pack My Stuff

Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Potential Murder Suspect
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SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you
shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
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Survey Says... why men get out of bed in the middle of the night...
5% said to get a glass of water
12% said to go the toilet
And 83% said to get the hell out of there!
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MOM'S BROWNIES
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.
Explain tokids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.
Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING
Mix the following in saucepan:1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away-- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.
Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot.
Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
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GETTING OLDER
Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day
When you had all your teeth and your gums?





Is your hairline receding? Are your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her, and its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain... do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight ...
Is your blood pressure up, your good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit, metamucil to boot,
keeps you like a well oiled machine.







If it's football, or baseball...he sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at...but forgets what it's for.
So, your gall bladder's gone. But his gout lingers on.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?






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