[bonyhadi]

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer
approaches the car, he sees that the man is very anxious
about something.

"Good afternoon, Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer, I know I was speeding -- but it's a matter
of life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
=====================
Politics: A parrot that has swallowed a watch.
==========================================
The Top 13 Signs Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed
(Part I)

13> He uses visualization techniques, but asks everyone to
visualize his funeral.

12> Tony Robbins: Ballroom at the Hilton
Your speaker: Men's room at the mall

11> His three-step motivational program consists of Valium,
Prozac and Zoloft.

10> His signature affirmation? "Ah, screw it."

9> "Everyone has the ability to make as much money as they want,
but first you have to get rid of that ***** of an ex-wife who
claims to need child support even though she now lives with a
power-stock broker in a house the size of Mount Rushmore."

8> Previous seminar topic: "10 Steps to a Better You"
Current seminar topic: "Who Gives a Rat's Ass?"

7> "Dammit, bartender, this glass is half empty again!"

6> During the break, she downs a dozen tequila shots and three
boxes of bon bons.

5> Spends half the seminar griping about how the zipper teeth
on his fanny pack have separated and his Fruit Roll-ups
keep falling out.

4> "These? These are tears of joy ... and ... and this is
a gun of happiness!"

3> Makes a noose out of the microphone cord while looking
upward for an exposed beam.

2> Invites participants to join him in licking hot coals.


and the Number 1 Sign Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed...

1> "Okay, for our first exercise, you all will come up to the
podium and just KILL ME NOW!"

(Part II)

13> His seminar is titled, "Harnessing the Power of Self-Loathing."

12> Kicks things off by leading everyone in a group raspberry.

11> Keeps remarking how coffin-like the lectern is.

10> "Finishing last is okay -- as long as you don't make an utter
fool of yourself in the process. Trust me on this one, folks."

9> His wrists are bandaged and his suit has visible blood stains.

8> "The key to a happy and successful life? Don't marry a
soul-sucking, bank-account-draining minion of Satan."

7> "Think *inside* the box. The lined, wooden box. Or inside
the urn."

6> During the "fire walk," asks that you try not to disturb his
ex-wife's ashes.

5> Asks everyone in the audience to just stay in their seats
while he flips through his high school yearbook and sobs
softly.

4> Everybody gets a workshop kit consisting of a razor blade
and a fifth of Jack Daniel's.

3> After failing to catch you during a "trust fall," he replies,
"Welcome to the reality of life, pal."

2> Keeps reminding the audience that "can" is 50 percent of
"cancer."


and The Number 1 Sign Your Motivational Speaker Is Depressed...


1> "You can do it! You can make a difference! Well, good
for you, you smug bastards. I, on the other hand, am a
worthless loser."
==================
How You Undress Reveals Your Personality
(Psychiatrist Dr. Frank Caprio)

Haphazard Undresser: If you throw your clothes all over the house,
you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with
your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others
think of you.

Meticulous Undresser: If you remove each piece of clothing and put
it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes life very
calm. You are comfortable with routine and you believe that
the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them
in the first place.

Socks and Shoes First Undresser: You are perfectionist, very shy,
observant, dependable, intense and think before making decisions.
You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration.
You know how to pay attention.

Slow Undresser: If you take off the shirt and ten minutes later,
get around to the pants, you are extremely self-confident,
intellectual, a deep thinker and don't like to be hassled.
Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.

Fast Undresser: If you get out of your clothes as quickly as
possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect
from you but you're worried about your own needs. You are
family oriented and stay extremely busy.

Jewelry-Off-First Undresser: If you take off your rings, watch,
etc., before anything else, you are warm, thoughtful, sensitive
and romantic.

Never The Same Way Undresser: If you never do it the same way
twice, you are a very curious, interesting person and you enjoy
a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and
adventure.
================================================== =========