[bonyhadi]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only thing on
the island was the tall coconut tree that provided them their food. Each day, one of the
lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't
believe this is true!"

The lawyer on the ground was skeptical, and said, "I think you are hallucinating and you
should come down right now." So the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his
friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed for their
island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But,
within a few minutes, out of the surf, comes walking this naked blonde woman. The two lawyers ran down to
greet her.

As they're running down the beach, the one said to the other, "You know we've been on this island for months
now, without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we'll get the opportunity to screw her ?"

The other lawyer glanced out the totally naked woman and asked. "Out of what?"










> Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
> > >
> > > We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
> > >
> > > How about achieving 103%.
> > >
> > > Here's a little math that might prove helpful.
> > >
> > > What makes life 100%?
> > >
> > > If:
> > > A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V X Y Z
> > > is represented as:
> > > 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
> > >
> > > Then,
> > > H A R D W O R K
> > > 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11= 98%
> > >
> > > K N O W L E D G E
> > > 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
> > >
> > > But,
> > >
> > > A T T I T U D E
> > > 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
> > >
> > > And,
> > >
> > > B U L L S H I T
> > > 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
> > >
> > > So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you
close, attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.
> > >
> > > And, look how far
> > > A S S K I S S I N G
> > > 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
> > > will take you.








His and Hers ATMs
HIS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
HERS:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Reenter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Other Man
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private
investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the
information that he needed on the "other man."The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving
and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come
onto the scene. Being a man of this century and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be
sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife.
So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent
fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
The ubiquitous Little Johnny walked into the kitchen and asked his Mom, "Do Blacks go to heaven with their
legs up in the air?"
His Mom replied, "Why do you ask such a thing?"
Little Johnny responded, "The maid is out in the garage with her legs up in the air screaming, 'Lawdy, lawdy
I'sa cummin'. and I think she would have if Daddy wasn't
holding her down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY- Men, women don't care how big your dick is. They would, but they're too busy worrying
about the size of their breasts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman strode angrily into the large general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed
her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked "What was the
problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to
tell me that ***** Treats are meant for cats?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
Minnie and Max had been married for 18 years.
As Minnie grew older and less attractive, Max became disinterested, and his libido started to wane
dramatically.
In desperation, Minnie hauled him before a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor listened patiently to
Minnie's complaints and to Max's protestations.
Max said he was being nagged unmercifully.
Minnie said that Max was causing her anguish.
Finally the marriage counselor issued a verdict. "Max," he said, "from now on, no matter how you feel, you
must give Minnie her conjugal rights at least
semiannually."
Minnie was delighted, and they left the counselor's chambers.
On the way downstairs, she nudged Max, asking, "Tell me, Max, how many times a week is semiannually?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KABUL (Reuters) - Up to 20 people were killed and more than 80 injured in a massive explosion on Friday at a
road construction organization near the eastern
Afghan city of Jalalabad, a local military commander said on Friday.
Haji Zaher said the explosion happened at the offices of the Afghan Construction and Logistics Unit (ACLU)
about six miles west of Jalalabad. Afghan media had
first described the construction unit as a non-governmental organization.
Dick Cheney was heard to reply: "You idiots! Not THAT ACLU!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow tees off and slices terribly. He sees the ball fly past a stand of trees and then hears a shriek.
He runs over and finds a woman knocked out cold. The man
runs back to the clubhouse and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?"
"I'm a doctor," another man says, rising. "What's the trouble?"
"I just hit a woman out there with a golf ball, and she's unconscious!"
"Well, where did you hit her?" the doctor asks.
"Between the first and second holes."
"Oh, my," the doctor says, shaking his head. "That doesn't leave much room for stitches!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the medical men were having trouble
getting the women to take their birth control pills. They
decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.
One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely
had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as
he wore it his woman could not have another baby.
About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant.
The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked
the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.
The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."
The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the hell his wife is pregnant again?"
"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to take a piss so badly that he cut the end
off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~






Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor one of the nation's
most distinguished men. It consists of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is also adding a new car to its line in honor of
former President Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production
in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he
replied: "I don't know, I never had one."

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because
he is so full of crap he can't fly.

Clinton lacked only three things to have become one of America's
finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton was doing the work of three men: Moe, Larry & Curly.

Revised (Clinton) judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I
know
it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think
you need to know."