[bonyhadi]

Nice Bird


A little ol' lady went to a pet shop, and told the storekeeper she
wanted "a parrot that says polite things only".

The petshop owner showed her a little bird with a string hanging from
each of its little feet. "When you pull the right string the parrot says
the 10 Commandments, and the left one makes him say the Lord's Prayer,"
said the owner.

This was just the kind of pet the lady wanted! So she bought the bird
and took it home.

Once home, she went over the string instructions, and then wondered out
loud, "What would happen if I pulled both strings at the same time?"

The parrot looked at her and said, "I'd fall on my ass, ya dummy!"









OMEN ARE LIKE NEWSPAPERS BECAUSE...

- Older ones are not in demand.

- They're well worth looking over.

- They have a great deal of influence.

- You can't believe everything they say.

- They always have the last word.

- You should really get your own and not go borrowing your neighbor's.






Calcium

Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?

A: Enough to make a bone 8 inches long







The Top 12 Signs Your Pilot Is
Drunk



12> Asks if anyone wants to be the designated
pilot for today's
flight.

11> Announces over the intercom, "Get ready --
it's time to stir
our drinks again," then rolls the plane.

10> Your non-stop to Atlanta included a stop-over

at a Kroger's
in Cincinnati to get some more limes.

9> Goes into a vertical climb to see if he can
urinate all the
way to the rear bulkhead without hitting
anyone.

8> [*Ding*] "You are now free to move about my
pants."

7> Inside of the cockpit windshield is covered
with saliva from
making the "Pbbbbbttt!" noise as he steers.

6> "Ladies and gentlemen, if you look out the
left of the plane,
you'll see me hocking a loogie into the Grand

Canyon."

5> Flies the Concorde at 30 miles per hour so he

won't get
pulled over.

4> "Okay, now everyone in coach: 'Show me the
way to go
home...'"

3> Makes dire warning announcements regarding
turbulence, then
farts into the microphone.

2> "This is your Captain speaking, and I just
wanna say...
I LOVE YOU. No, I'm serious, man. I LOVE
YOU GUYS!"


1> Dares anyone to light their shoe on fire.






A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He
finally
found one that appealed to his interests. At the
interview,
he was asked, "Do you have any military
experience?"

The Marine replied, "Why, yes! I've been in the
Marines for
a couple of years."

"I see," said the interviewer, "any
disabilities?"

The Marine looked at him and replied shakily.
"Well... In
the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my
legs,
blowing off my testicles."

The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right,
you're
hired. Please report to work on Monday at
10:00am."

"Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the
others start?
I don't want any special treatment just because
of my
disability."

The interviewer replied, "Well... I'll tell you
the truth.
Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning,
but nothing
gets done until 10. All we do is sit around,
scratching our
nuts trying to figure out what to do."