A LETTER TO MY LOVING WIFE - THE INTERNET
JUNKIE!:
SUBJECT: Update!
DATE: 03/13/00
FROM:
hubby@homealone.com
TO:
wife@youarelost.com
Dear Wife....
I'm sending you this email to bring up to date on
the events of
our family. I tried to talk to you while you were
on your computer, but you
just kept telling me that you would
BRB.....whatever that means. So, I
decided to send you this email.
John Jr. cut his first tooth today. He's the one
you bounce on your knee
while typing. Remember how he giggles when he
hears the Ut Oh sound? Sorry
about him dropping his peanut butter sandwich on
your keyboard. Is it
working okay since I cleaned it up for you? Can
you read the letters I tried
to paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had
been rubbed off.
Susie had her first date Saturday night. She had
a good time and said to
thank you for letting them use your car. She put
the keys back on the key
rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them.
Do you realize that she
wears the same size clothes as you do? In case
you've forgotten her, she's
the one who has you raise your feet when she's
running the sweeper.
Tim is playing football. He looks forward to
going to school now that he has
a sport to play. He wanted to know if you would
come to one of his games if
we bought you a laptop to bring along? Do you
remember him? He's the one who
empties your porta potty for you.
Lets see.....since the last time I wrote you (3
months ago), the
refrigerator had to be replaced, the dog died
from old age, your mother and
dad painted the room where your computer is (hope
you like the color), the
church has a new pastor, the President has been
impeached, and oh yes..... I
have a new job.
Well, I think that's about it. I'll email you
again in about 3 months. You
take care of yourself honey. We all "miss" you
very much and will see you
the next time the power goes off!
Love,
Your Husband
************************************************** ************************************************
A LETTER TO MY LOVING HUSBAND - THE INTERNET
JUNKIE!:
SUBJECT: Monthly Report
DATE: 03/13/00
FROM:
wife@lonely.com
TO: hubby@home_alone.com
Dear Hubby,
Honey, we need to talk! "DON'T" click another URL
until you've read this...
please.
Since you're always busy, I'm using the computer
at the library to send you
this email. It's been months since you've spent
anytime with the family.
Actually, we are all getting a little worried
about you. Your legs won't
straighten out and your eyes are blood red now. I
really think you should
stop sleeping in that chair even though we did
have it made into a recliner
with a keyboard tray and extra padding.
Remember when I wanted your attention and put too
much Viagra in your
coffee.......well.... surprise.... we're having
twins. Have you recovered
from that exhausting few days yet? I haven't
.....and will "NEVER" do that
again no matter how lonely I get!
Oh yes.....the doctor said the catheter has to
come out hun. You can't leave
it in there any longer. You'll have to stop and
go to the bathroom or start
using your urinal again. Sorry! And.......the
leak wasn't the
waterbed.....we don't have a waterbed!
The kids are all fine. I loaded their school
pictures on your web site so
you can see how much they have grown. Click on
the button that says
"Surprise, we've grown up". Jack said he'd trim
your beard for you next
week. Susie felt so bad when she upset your lunch
on the keyboard. Bless her
heart, she's like your mother....she's a few
fries short of a complete Happy
Meal but she tries. I hope everything is working
okay now.
Oh yes, you don't need to worry about the mouse I
wanted you to kill. I got
him with one of your golf clubs. The club is a
little bent now.....hope that
doesn't hurt it. It's kind of like a kinked
slinky.
I'll write again once the twins are born. Ed, our
insurance salesman, is
taking me and the kids on a trip so take care.
We'll be back in a couple of
weeks. Remember not to put both contact lenses in
the same eye!
Love,
Your Wife
Subject:
How would TV react if Elvis died this week?
Date:
Fri, 16 Aug 2002 16:46:30 -0400
From:
"The Girl Connor" <clickerconn@hotmail.comNOSPAM>
Organization:
are you kidding?
Newsgroups:
rec.arts.tv
Noel Holston On Television
Newsday
Just a Big Hunk o' Media Love
If Elvis died today, he'd get a sendoff truly fit for a king
After Elvis Presley was found dead in his Graceland bathroom 25 years
ago
tomorrow, a veteran Hollywood agent, upon hearing the news, notoriously
is
supposed to have quipped, "Good career move."
It did seem that way at the time. Elvis' movie-starring days were over,
as
was his late-1960s recording renaissance. On the concert stage, he was
bloated, bleary and barely going through the familiar martial-arts
motions.
The karate kid moved more like a sumo wrestler. What better career move
could there have been for him than departing this mortal coil and
leaving
his legacy to the marketers, the biographers and the tabloid newspapers,
whose stringers or readers seemed to spot him leaving a Dairy Queen or
a7-Eleven every other week?
Now I'm not so sure the "career move" was that good. If timing is
anything,
Elvis could have done better. He could have died younger, like his idol,
James Dean, and thus been fixed in our consciousness exclusively as a
rock
and roll Adonis with a curling lip and an incorrigible hip. But if his
heart
had held out another couple of decades, he could have reaped the full
benefits of a multichannel, celebrity-obsessed TV universe.
Can you imagine what it would be like if Elvis had lived long enough to
die
this week? As it is, there'll be Elvis movies and specials all over the
dial
commemorating the 25th anniversary of his death. Even a broadcast
network
such as NBC, which long ago left Elvis movies to the likes of TBS and
AMC,
has acquired one of his better flicks - the loosely biographical "Loving
You" - and is packaging it Saturday night with a "Dateline" special
about
his lasting impact on popular culture.
That sad day in 1977, Walter Cronkite didn't even lead "The CBS Evening
News" with a report of Elvis' death. Uncle Walter, that old journalistic
fuddy-duddy, thought the signing of the Panama Canal Treaty was more
important.
If Elvis had lived long enough to die this week, rest assured he
wouldn't
take a back seat on any network newscast to any event short of another
terrorist attack on U.S. soil or an invasion of Iraq. And that wouldn't
be
the half of it.
Think how the media responded to John F. Kennedy Jr.'s death. He didn't
have
anywhere near the hold on American hearts and psyches that the King did.
Think how the media responded to the death of George Harrison. And he
wasn't
even an American. He wasn't even a primary Beatle.
No, the death of Elvis would have TV pumping on all cylinders. CNN,
MSNBC
and Fox News Channel would be falling over themselves - and stepping on
each
other - to fill the hours of round- the-clock coverage. Larry King would
listen sympathetically to Elvis' old flames and "Memphis Mafia" buddies.
Geraldo Rivera would sneak inside Graceland's walls, perhaps reporting
live,
via mini-transmitter, from the singer's private vault. CNBC would be
analyzing the tycoonery of business enterprises such as Elvis'
Heartbreak
Hotel in Memphis.
Cable's vintage movie channels would stage marathons - AMC the
interchangeable Hollywood musicals, Turner Classic Movies the artier
black-and- whites like "King Creole," Turner South the Westerns.
HGTV would replay an old Graceland-tour special all through the night.
On
the Food Network, Emeril would do live demonstrations of how to make
Elvis
dietary staples like fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
A&E would trot out its two- hour "Biography," VH1 its "Behind the Music"
report, featuring testimonials from other rock stars who've struggled
with
weight and drugs.
QVC would clear the decks for days and days of Elvis memorabilia-hawking
and
set a record for sales of gold chains and commemorative dinner plates.
BET
would host a discussion of whether Elvis stole from black R&B artists or
helped them reach a much larger audience.
As for the broadcast networks, the bosses of their news divisions know
full
well that, unfaithful as many viewers may be in the cable era, they tend
to
come back to the old reliables in times of crisis or grief. They would
treat
Elvis nice. They would treat him like the American idol he was. They
would
treat him like a cash cow. Dan Rather would slip into his good ol'
anchor
mode and swap Elvis stories with Sun Records' Sam Phillips. Tom Brokaw
would
dwell on how Elvis didn't shirk from Uncle Sam's call to duty. Peter
Jennings would focus on Elvis' international impact. Not only would
"Dateline" weigh in on his life and legacy, but so would "60 Minutes,"
"48
Hours," "20/20" and "The Pulse."
Fox, meanwhile, would throw together a special edition of "American
Idol"
featuring the wanna-be superstars warbling the Elvis song of their
choosing.
And even Simon Cowell wouldn't have a nasty thing to say.
If Elvis died today, there would be no such thing as too much.
Connor
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