[bonyhadi]

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES......

Child Birth Counseling... from Hawkins DM

A young hillbilly and his new bride wanted desperately to start a family, but they didn't know what they had to do to have children. So
they decided to visit
a doctor.

With a great deal of embarrassment, the young man explained their situation. The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents
and carefully
explained the birds and the bees. The two looked bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor. The doctor attempted to explain in
various ways and
terms the ins and outs of human reproduction. The same result.

Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the
examination table, removed all her clothing, and had
intercourse with her. (Tsk, tsk, tsk!) He then turned to the young hillbilly and asked, "Now do you understand?"

"Yes, doctor," the hillbilly responded, "but just one
question."

Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor
squawked, "Yes, what is it now?"

"How often do I have to bring her in?"








A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly visit to the doctor.
The doctor asks the little boy, "Do you know your name?" He tells her,

"Yes my name is Timmy." "And Timmy, do you know your mom's name?"
"Yes her name is Mommy," said Timmy. "And what is Mommy's real name?"
And little Timmy says, "It's Tammy." "That is great," the doctor told
Timmy. Then the doctor asked, "And what is your daddy's name?"
Timmy said, "It is daddy." Finally the doctor asked,
"And what does mommy call him?" Timmy looked up innocently and
replied, "Asshole."
================================================== ===========
What Gender Is It?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always

see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a
wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons
are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are
pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain
water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male.
But consider . . . it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push,
he keeps trying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The latest plan to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the mountains
of Afghanistan and eliminate them is to send in a team of Alabama
Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, Bugger and Cooter are being sent in
with the following info about the Taliban:

1. There is no bag limit.

2. The season opened last weekend.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.

5. Some are queer.

6. They don't like barbecue.

7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

Should be over in just about a week. Don't you think?
================================================== ===========
Life with Men is like a deck of cards......
You need a Heart to love them;
a Diamond to marry them;
a Club to beat them;
and a Spade to bury the bastards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when
the first one says: "My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two
girls at once." The other replies, "Yeah, most men do.
What did you tell him?"
"I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss
off two?'"
================================================== ===========
SAFETY TIPS FOR MEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES
1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.
2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for
participation in the LIVE sex shows.
3. The fan in your computer's power supply is not a good place to cool
your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly be an enlightening

experience)
4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy "tickling
the keys" with your manhood.
5. Semen IS electrically conductive!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB?
The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
================================================== ============
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one
"This is for the shame", and then the second one
"This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots.
She drinks the first one "This is for the shame" and then the second
one "This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.
"Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent
over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and
he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Top 14 Ways to Commemorate the
25th Anniversary of Elvis's Death

14> Ingest the annual drug output of Bogota; ask W. to make you
a special DEA agent.

13> Form a coast-to-coast chain of fans joined at the pelvis.

12> Try not to think about stroking out while taking a dump.

11> Practice a little self love ... tenderly.

10> Go to Hawaii and win a big speedboat race, earning enough
money to save your girlfriend's family business. Proceed
to make out with Ann-Margret.

9> Have Sonny and Red beat you senseless for looking at Priscilla.

8> Burn his likeness onto a tortilla, then leave it lying around
for the housekeeper to find.

7> Fry up a batch of peanut-butter-and-Quaalude sandwiches.

6> Wear a sequined uniform while on duty at the Post Office.

5> Place a picture of Michael Jackson next to one of Lisa Marie.
Climb into coffin. Spin.

4> Fire off a 21-television salute.

3> Pull out those blue suede shoes and use them to beat the
Backstreet Boys to unrecognizable pulp.

2> Dig up Richard Nixon's corpse and shake his hand.

and The Number 1 Way to Commemorate
the 25th Anniversary of Elvis's Death...


1> Order an "Elvis Memorial Death-Day Sterling Silver Stool"
from the Franklin Mint.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~