Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband
collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wifescreamed.
"I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm getting
it."
Three men: one American, one Japanese and an Irishman
were sitting naked in
the sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his forearm and the
beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow
lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained,
"That was my mobile phone I have a microchip in my
hand."
Paddy felt decidedly low-tech. So as not to be
outdone, he decided he had to
do something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He
returns with a piece of
toilet paper hanging from his arse.
The others raised their eyebrows.
"Will you look at that" says Paddy, I'm getting a
fax."
A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He
approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the
facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and
back he'd lose a half hour of time.
The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on
one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off. He told the
man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor
before it reached the bottom. So the guy decided to take his advice.
Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get
it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death!
At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if
he knew what happened. "Not really, but I think it had something to do with
sex."
The coroner said, "Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?"
The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his cock in his hand
screaming, 'Where did that cocksucker go!' "
=================================
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says
"Today we are going
to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody
have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny,
that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking
of a blowjob."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Definitely a Gashole!
Yourbigfun.com
http://www.yourbigfun.com/giggles/fartingclown/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell when a blonde rejects a new brain transplant?
She sneezes
Why did the blonde put ice in her boyfriends condom?
To keep the swelling down.
A trucker stops for red light on a winter afternoon and a blonde girl
catches up. She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window.
The girl says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of you
load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The
trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says
"Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He
ignores her again and continues down the street. The trucker stops for
still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of
breath. She
knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!" He
dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker
gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says:
"Hi, my name is Kevin and I am driving a SALT truck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Helen Radford-St John of Manchester set a record on Monday by becoming the first person to cross the English Channel by floating
motionless in the water and
allowing only the channel currents to carry her across.
This unique feat has only been previously attempted on three occasions, all ending in failure. After her crossing, which took 2 days, 17
hours, and 43 minutes to
accomplish, Miss Radford-St John said "I never doubted for a moment that I would make it. I want to thank everyone who believed in me. It
really is a dream come
true for me."
The accompanying file photo shows Helen in training for her record feat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the
definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional
killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate
influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as
when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded one jury
candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in
bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I
could have shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.
================================================== ===========
Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The very next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely
Caucasian, white baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"Well, two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum
Ting Wong."
================================================== ===========
THREE WOMEN ARE SITTING MAKED IN THE SAUNA. SUDDENLY A BEEPING SOUND.
THE FIRST LADY PRESSES HER FOREARM AND THE BEEPING STOPS. THE OTHERS
LOOK AT HE VERY CURIOUSLY.
"THATS MY PAGER," SHE SAYS. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY
ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER A PHONE RINGS. THE SECOND WOMEN LIFT HER PALM TO
HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHES SHE EXPLAINS, "THAT'S MY MOBILE PHONE.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.
THE THIRD WOMAN, FEELING DECIDEDLY LOW-TECH, STEPS OUT OF THE SAUNA.
IN A FEW MINUTES SHE RETURNS WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM
HER BUTT.
THE OTHER RAISE THEIR EYEBROWS.
"OH, EXCUSE ME, I'M GETTING A FAX"
================================================== ==========
1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own
pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol
content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore because I find I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
================================================== ===========
Dr Jim the proctologist got tired of his job and decided to become a
motorcycle mechanic. At motorcycle mechanics school, he took his first
test.
For a possible 100 points, he had to take a motorcycle engine apart and
put it back together. After the test he checked his score, and the
instructor had awarded Jim 150 points! So Jim asks the instructor how
he got 150 points on a 100 point test.
"Well Jim, you took the engine apart with no
problems, so I gave 50 points". "Then you put the engine back together
and it ran as good as new, so I gave you another 50 points". "The extra
50 points is for doing the whole job through the exhaust pipe!"
================================================== ===========
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER
10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then
changing your real name.
9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing
yourself.
6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable
friends.
4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela
Anderson.
2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.