Q: What's the difference between baseball and politics?
A: In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a cow and a lesbian?
A. Fifty pounds and a flannel shirt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Holy Scripture may have had a different bent if written by college students:
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold, with stale Coke.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced, with wide margins, and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's e-mail to
abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years:
They didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of G-d creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot but sell me one that definitely talks."
The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks."
The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table and said to the parrot, "Ok, talk."
The parrot said, "Show me your tits."
The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator.
After a while, she took him out and said, "So talk."
Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits."
The woman, to show the parrot his place, put him in the fridge for a longer time and the same thing happened.
She was quite annoyed.
This time she put him in the freezer.
There was a turkey in the freezer.
The parrot said to the turkey, "How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
I Have Sinned
Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally consented
to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her daughter fixed her
up with.
Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very
attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances,
he finally was able to make love to her.
Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know
how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"
Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GIVING A LIFT
A priest was driving along and saw a
nun on the side of the road he stopped
and offered her a lift, which she
accepted. She got in and crossed her
legs, forcing the habit to open and
reveal a lovely leg.
The Priest had a look and nearly had
an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately
said, "Father; remember Psalm 129? "
The priest was flustered and apologized
profusely. He forced himself to remove
his hand. However, he was unable to
remove his eyes from her leg. Further
on while changing gear, he let his
hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said "Father,
remember Psalm 129".
Once again the priest apologized.
"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak".
Arriving at the convent, the nun got
out, gave him a meaningful glance
and went her way. On his arrival at
his Church, the priest rushed up
to retrieve the Bible and looked
up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek,
further up you will find Glory".
MORAL OF THE STORY:
ALWAYS BE WELL INFORMED IN YOUR JOB.
OR YOU MIGHT MISS A GREAT OPPORTUNITY!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple of old cowboys (Sam and Bubba) were sitting
in a bar having a drink (or two or three) , doing what most
old cowboys do; complaining about the heat, the cows and
their wives.
They weren't exactly the brightest guys, and neither were their
comments. Every day they said pretty much the same thing.
And it always ended in a pissing contest over who had the
worst wife.
Today though something was different. There was a wise
looking elderly Indian Chief sitting at the bar. They decided
to ask him to decide, who had the worst wife.
The first man (Sam) complained that his wife was always
arguing with him. No matter what he said, she always said
the opposite. She didn't just say it either, she said it so
loud that the neighbors complained.
The old Chief listened attentively and then said, "If your wife
was Indian, we would name her Fire-Water."
Sam asked "Why would you call her Fire-Water?"
The Indian Chief replied, "Every time she opens her mouth
she breathes fire and your knees turn to water."
The second man (Bubba) said "My wife is so bad that we
haven't hadn't had physical relations in darn near twenty years."
The chief again listened attentively and pronounced Bubba's
wife as "Sleeping-Dragon."
When Bubba asked why, the chief replied, "If you try to touch
her while she is sleeping, she will become a dragon and bite
your head off."
Sam and Bubba had a good laugh over their wives new names.
Then Sam asked, "Okay, them Indian names are pretty cool,
but.... Who has the worst wife?"
The chief replied, "I do."
Bubba asked what the chiefs wife name was.
The chief replied something along the lines of
"Whumpo Havo Noja"
Both Sam and Bubba looked very confused, and so the chief
explained, "That's my wife's Indian name, it translates in
English to "Three-Old-Horses."
More puzzled than ever before Bubba asked, "Yeah, but
what does it (Three-Old-Horses) mean?
The chief sighed, took a sip of his beer and said ,
"Nag, Nag, Nag."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A really conceited guy is screwing a really conceited girl; "Tight , aren't I ?" says the girl
"No" ,says the guy, "Just full !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying.....
A prick is the guy who owns it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?"
I thought, "Who the hell cares? How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
SWMSTOSOG - Single White Male Siamese Twins, One Straight
One Gay - desperately seeking SWFSTOSOWTUGR - Single White
Female Siamese Twins, One Straight One Willing To
Undergo Gender Reallocation. Straight one
must be on my right, her left -- or willing to stand on head. Must be
Baptist. Box 3755.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sincere Offer To The Women Of America:From Uncle GeorgeIn light of the recent U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruling that the words "Under God" are
unconstitutional, I offer my name for you to use during the throes of orgasm, real or fake. Now, instead of shouting "Oh God!" you have my permission to scream
"Oh Uncle George!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
you know your gay if........
10 Signs that You Might be Gay
- There's a dick up your ass.
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils.
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops."
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap.
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of
your neighbors.
- Your nickname is "Homo."
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather
spank him.
- You know over 10 people named Bruce.
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth.
- You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him
to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she
got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a
pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`