[bonyhadi]

On Being a Man

Damn, It's Good to Be a Man!
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky".
Same work . . . more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in
45 minutes.

Damn, it's Good to be a Man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
New Products In The Viagra Line
==========================

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing
men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got
lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this drug for only
two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal
gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long
car rides.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with
O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special
prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury
and Presidential Strength versions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ `
Down for Dinner

It seems that a young couple
had just gotten married and
spent their wedding night with
the young mans parents.

In the morning the mother got
up and prepared a lovely breakfast,
went to the bottom of the stairs
and called for them to come down
for breakfast. After a long wait
the family ate without the newlyweds.
The mother said "I wonder why they
never came down to eat."

The grooms young brother said
"Mommy, I think..."

"Oh shut up I don't want to hear
what you think!" said the mother,
not wanting to hear any inappropriate
comments from the younger brother.

At lunch time the mother again
prepared a wonderful meal and
again called the young couple to
eat. After another long wait the
family proceeded to eat, and after
the meal was completed the mother
once again said "I wonder why they
never came down to eat?" Once again
the younger brother started to speak,
but was interrupted by the mother.

At dinner time once again the
mother cooked a very elaborate
meal, had the table set perfect
and called the newlyweds to join
the family for dinner. After another
long wait the mother once again
questioned why they had not come
downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said
"Mommy I think..." "Well what is
it that you think?" asked the
mother rather irritated.

"I think that when my big brother
came down to get the vaseline last
night, he got my model plane glue instead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching
the Playboy Channel.

He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.

So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get
ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of
the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom
floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you
could just drop it in!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The July issue of ''Martha Stewart Living'' magazine has hit the newsstands,
and among its tasteful contents are a lovely feature and colorful photo spread
on a Bastille Day picnic, the French holiday that commemorates the day angry peasants stormed the Bastille
prison in 1789.

With questions rising over whether Stewart benefited from illegal insider
stock information on biotech company ImClone, the common folk are outraged again. Late-night talk show
hosts and cartoonists have been salivating over Stewart's imbroglio and the mere thought of the doyenne of
domesticity and perfection spending time in prison.

''So what happens if they take the Taste Queen off to Pokeyville for six to
ten?'' asks syndicated cartoonist Danziger in a recent op-ed page comic.

It may not be right. It may not be nice. It may not be a ''good thing,'' but
the thought of Stewart in the slammer lends itself to some intriguing ideas
for her magazine and television show. If the Chinese asylum seekers could
fashion American eagles out of toilet paper and magazines, imagine what
Stewart could do.

Martha's hard-time hints

Turn an ordinary prison garden into an extraordinary cutting garden.

Brighten up a small, confined space with radishes.

Learn how to tuck stylish square corners on a cot.

Seal those annoying drafts with a hot glue gun cleverly disguised as a plant
sprayer.

Go retro: Re-create the black-and-white prison suit for the exercise yard.

Grow plants in a recessed cell block window and other shady spots.

Make pretty cafeteria place-cards from Styrofoam cups.

Use your toothbrush to stencil concrete walls.

Make a new key chain for the warden who has everything.

What to give the cellmate who doesn't have anything.

Create exotic hand-shadow puppets on a flat wall.

Decorate the perfect Contraband Chocolate Cake.

Make your own outfit for your parole board hearing. Personalize your uniform
with bread crumb patterns.

Yes, you can create an intimate mood for a dinner party for 300.

Buy and sell from your cell.

Brighten a drab bunk bed with a billowy sheet canopy.

How to be your own best gal pal.

It is uncertain at this date what Stewart knew and when she knew it, but
whether it is deserved or not, the 60-year-old chairwoman and CEO of Martha
Stewart Living Omnimedia Inc. has become the kind of rich celeb icon Americans love to hate. The notoriety
probably won't discourage Stewart's legions of fans from buying her popular magazine and she seems to
shrug off the media glare with aplomb.

As Marie Antoinette is said to have uttered, ''Let them eat cake.''

To which Stewart might add, ''As long as it's my recipe.''


~~