[bonyhadi]

Facelift

A lady goes to the doctor to see about
getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor,
"I can do the facelift, and then you'll have
to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all
done in one shot. I don't want to have to come
back."

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers,
"There is a new procedure where we put a screw
in the top of your head. Then anytime you see
wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn,
which pulls the skin up and they disappear."

"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the
doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady
bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."

"What's wrong?" asks the doctor.

"Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor reports, "those aren't bags, those
are your boobs, and if you don't leave that screw
alone, you're going to have a beard!"









A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help
him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their
journey to find the herd.
After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear
to the ground and says "Hmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees
nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see
anything. How do you know buffalo come"?
The Indian replies, "Ear sticky."













When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect
longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis
had grown to nearly twenty inches in length. Ralph became quite concerned.

He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to
see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician
explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be
corrected through corrective surgery.

How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs,
aren't you??!!"











Just when you thought that Irish jokes had gone away..........


PART ONE Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dats dem." The
clerk
comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a
peeper
bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are
high up in
the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "
Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off
the
cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straightdown for a few seconds followed by a SPLAT. As Paddy looks
over
the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin is too fockin dangerous for me."

PART TWO A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar peeper bag. He
pulls a
parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus
says and
launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head
off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT! As he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom Paddy shakes his head and says, "An
oim
never troyin dat parrotshooting noider."

PART THREE A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean (no relation here)
strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and has a peeper peeper bag. Instead of a parrot he pulls out a chicken, and launches
himself
off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping,
den
Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin hengliding."















One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:
"God, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?" asks God.
"God, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake,
but
I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
I shall create man for you...
But this man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie, cheat, and be vain glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
But, on the plus side, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.
He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your
physical
needs.
He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about.
He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, God?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, God?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
You know, woman to woman."