[bonyhadi]

EXACTLY LIKE HER
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her
skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.
"That's funny," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."
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UNZIPPED
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to
get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick
smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the
step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted thestep, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more
and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and
turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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Bill and Hilary Clinton were the guests of honor at the World Marching Girl and Drum Majorette Championships in New York.Hilary noticed that Bill had a smile on his
face, so she said, " Well honey, what are you smiling at?"
Bill replied, "Honey, if I had another inch, I'd be pretty popular amongst them Marching Girls."
A big smile came across Hilary's face.
Bill said, "What are you smiling about?"
Hilary replied, "Bill, if you had one inch less, you'd be out there marching with them." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it.Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to the other side and
sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water.
Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side. The two look at each other and wonder what to do.
The rooster says, "I know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the other side."
The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"
The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the bag and starts
devouring the chicken feed.
The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.
The Moral of the Story: For every satisfied cock, there's a wet *****!
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BETS AT THE BANK OF CANADA
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings
account because, it's a lot of money.
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, $165,000 and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came into all of this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where
did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets".
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure", said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent along time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning
from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win
the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 AM, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, Okay", said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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NO FRILLS AIRLINES
With airlines strapped for cash, you might end up seeing a couple of changes the next time you decide to fly.YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A"NO FRILLS" AIRLINE
WHEN...
13. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
12. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
11. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
10. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
9. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
8. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
6. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
4. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once!"
3. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes!
2. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane!
1. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
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ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation. - - -
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Aft er just one year of marriage, Jill filed for divorce. A
friend, trying to console her, said that you never know what a man's like until you live with him.
"I should have left him right after the honeymoon. Not only did he not take me to Niagara Falls as he had promised, all we did was drive through a car wash a
couple of times, really slowly."
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When the census-taker came to this house, the woman was really bragging about having quadruplets, noting how that happens only once in 300,000 times.
The census-taker (not that impressed probably) noted: "It's a wonder you had time for cooking or the laundry."
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"Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.
"Yes." replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."
"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital." the medic replied."Those things can be tricky to remove."
"Never mind." said the husband. "We have an HMO which doesn't allow emergency room visits except for life-threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least
turn it off? It's interfering with the TV."
b