1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
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2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I
don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.
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3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I
noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their
territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh
scent out of your clothes.
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4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are
thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we
can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
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5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did
you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90
cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel
very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls
for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
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6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use
words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You
think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
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7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.
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8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh,
yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test
results are back. Stop sharing the love."
..............
he true meaning of ****…<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com
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ffice" />
Ever wonder where the word "****" comes from. Well here it is:
Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was
Back then)by ship. In dry form it weighs a lot less, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of
fermentation
began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did)
happen, methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern. BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was
Discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure where always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to
the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold
would not
touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Bet you didn't know that one.
Here I always thought it was a golf term.