[bonyhadi]

This ol' gal goes into the pharmacy and looks around each isle
carefully. Meanwhile the pharmacist is noticing her, so he goes over
and asks,"Miss,can I help you find something?"

"Well", she stammers,"Do you have any petroleum jelly with teflon in
it?"
He gives her a funny look and shakes his head no then proceeds to
ask,"Why?".
"Well, the next time me and the old man ****, I wanna make sure the
meat don't stick like last time."
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The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word
"dog" in front of them: dog rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the
class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog." Steven
raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"
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A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught Little
Johnny having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop asked.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," Little Johnny replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy," the cop warned. "When we catch a young
fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a
leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said
Little Johnny.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her ****, dry and stretch it, then dress it in a
blue uniform and call it a cop!"
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Dear Diary,

I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was
when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true.
It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after
an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked
her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery.
She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an
angel of light delivering divine revelation.

"Well," she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, "I
believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and
love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in
our children, in everything! I believe all things in life
turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly."

"Damn, baby," I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and
sounds from the woman next to me. "I'm going to call that
shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the
combination of Prozac, Lithium and Paxil."
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Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.

Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
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A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and
instructs the guy to hit him as hard as possible on the head.

The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in the
hospital and goes.... "Taa-Daa!"
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There was a Kentucky redneck and a buckeye, fishing on their respective
sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in
the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching
nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, "Buddy, I'd sure like to
be on your side of the river!"

"Aight, tell ya what, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and
you can walk across this little beam of light!" the redneck yelled
back.

The buckeye replied, "Haint no way buddy. I know, you think I'm a fool!
When I get halfway cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!"
==================================
One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in third grade. Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests. So
together, Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both meaning and spelling of the words.
A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test. He scored 97%, missing only one word.
The word was "clock." Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence.
His sentence? "My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" only it seems he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L."
Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest check mark she had ever seen.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A newlywed blonde wife went to her mother in tears. "Mommy Ted is
very angry with me."
"Why " asked mom Earlier this week I made him a special dinner;
a turkey breast roll, and he got upset at the expense."
"But they only cost 8 dollars" she replied
"Yeah I know it was the return plane ticket to Alaska that made him
angry" she said
"Why did you have to go to Alaska?" she queried
Blonde wife replied "The instructions on the package said remove from
plastic wrapper. Cook in frozen state."
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I tell ya, I don't get no respect;
Especially from my wife. She's a real *****.
She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.
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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back

together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly

mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom
enjoys the Bible, and you know her eyesight has failed her to the point

that she can no longer read.. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite
the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach
him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but
it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the
parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge. I
live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home
all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "you were the only son to

have the good sense to know what your mother likes.......
That chicken was delicious."