[bonyhadi]

We're Attacking Iraq,
Please Don't Tell!
Commentary by Ron Charles for
The Christian Science Monitor

From: Director of CIA

To: All Secret Agents (you know who you are)

Re: Secret War Plans (shhhhhh!)

The President (code name: George W.) is increasingly alarmed about leaks concerning our plans to attack a certain country in the Middle East (rhymes with "I pack").

Despite our best efforts – including wide distribution of Cap'n Crunch Decoder Rings – rumors of our intentions to change the regime of S.H. (use the ring, use
the ring!) continue to appear in the press.

(Plans to topple the NYT will be discussed in our next midnight meeting at the Big Oak Tree. George W. to bring s'mores.)

What's more troubling, I saw on CNN (Cable [something?] Network) that members of Congress are openly debating our war plans. We cannot and will not tolerate
these threats to democracy. Effective immediately – or when the little hand reaches the 9 – all agents should institute the following top-secret precautions:

1) Remove "We're Comin' to Get YOU, Saddam!" bumper stickers from all undercover automobiles and trucks.

2) When making obscene phone calls to the Iraqi Royal Palace, put a cloth over the mouthpiece to disguise your voice.

3) Discreetly float decoy stories about U.S. plans to attack France to confuse the enemy. (IMPORTANT: Do not actually attack France without prior approval!)

4) Agents who pose as Middle East experts should remove their CIA pocket protectors when appearing on Sunday morning TV shows. (And when sending
thank-you notes to the interviewer, sign your name in invisible ink.)

By following these simple precautions, we can significantly reduce the level of preattack transparency and preserve the all-important element of surprise.

Signed,

XXX

(Agents who do not receive a hard copy of this memo can read it on the FOX News Network at 8 p.m. and 11 p.m.)










HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
>
> A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
> out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 10 MILES
>
> He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
> second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 5 MILES
>
> Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he
drives
> past a third sign saying:
>
> SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
>
> His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
> side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next
to
> the door reading:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
>
> He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
> long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
>
> He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
> possibly doing business."
>
> "Very well, my son. Please follow me."
>
> He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
>
> The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this
> door."
>
> He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long
> habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in thecup,
> then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
>
> He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He
> trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
> behind him.
>
> As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
> facing another small sign:
>
> GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
>







Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother
cooked.
____________________________________________
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
____________________________________________
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied,
"Because
people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
_____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall
not kill."
_____________________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny
responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
_____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!"

cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
_____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise
not to believe everything he says happens at home.