Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring Kingdom. The monarch could
have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as
he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a
year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible
query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by
year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise
men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch -- only she would know the answer. The price would be
high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to
answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most
noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made
obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to
marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice
compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and
the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
"What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And
so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as
always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone
very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But
what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked
what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch,
she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her
beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his
friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous
witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? (What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.)
Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she
would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own
life.
New billboards are getting attention in Arizona. Some reported seeing one
or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all
variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple
black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization
is included. These are awesome... enjoy.
Tell the kids I love them.
-God
Let's meet at my house Sunday
before the game.
-God
C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..."
didn't you understand?
-God
We need to talk.
-God
Keep using my name in vain,
I'll make rush hour longer.
-God
Loved the wedding,
invite me to the marriage.
-God
That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing...
I meant it.
-God
I love you and you
and you and you and...
-God
Will the road you're on
get you to my place?
-God
Follow me.
-God
Big bang theory,
you've got to be kidding.
-God
My way is the highway.
-God
Need directions?
-God
You think it's hot here?
-God
Have you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test.
-God
Do you have any idea
where you're going?
-God
(And my personal favorite...)
Don't make me come down there.
-God
Things my mother never told me...
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
If vegetable
oil is made of vegetables, what is baby
oil made of?
No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.
If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Duct tape is like the force -- there is a light and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.
Since blue and white are the international sign for handicapped, what does that say about the Iowa license plates?
There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"
Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day,
marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here
is a harp that, when you push this button here,
will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time
in heaven."
Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his
face and a song in his heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green
cloud around.
But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a
Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud
with tail fins roars past him.
And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of
celestial music.
Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to
the Pearly Gates.
He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's
Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade.
I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny,
insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are
Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there.
He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and
I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman
to come closer.
Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son "
Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig,
the stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old
wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna
huff and puff, and blow your house down."
And he did!
The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said "Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"
The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up
and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house
down!"
And he did!
So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said "Let us in! "The wolf just blew
down our houses and we're scared!"
So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them
and said "I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."
While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the
stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the
phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and all of a
sudden this big, black stretch limousine drove up. Out came
two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras.
They went over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the **** out of him. Then they got back into
their limo and drove off, leaving the wolf
bleeding on the street.
The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed! They asked the brick pig, "Who the hell were those guys?"
And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the
Guinea Pigs."