[bonyhadi]

"10 steps to a better life"

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry
about them. That is why you pay him/her.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the
brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop," the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things. When the children are young, that is all that you can afford. When
they are in college, that is all that you can afford. When you are on retirement, that is all that
you can afford!

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so much that you can be
tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter. (MY mother used to call this being "a loud
mouth" but that was a
long time ago!)

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire
life, is ourselves. Be alive while you are alive, don't put out a mailbox on the highway of death
and just wait in residence for your mail.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants,
hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what
you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Go to the mall, the next county, a foreign country, but not to guilt
country.

10. Tell the people you love, that you love them, at
every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER - Life is not measured by the
number of breaths we take, but by the moments that
take our breath away .
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THE COWBOY

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter
approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay
waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy
down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'. "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is
sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The
fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" The man turns to him
and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why
Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ALIENS IN TEXAS

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the
aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting.

There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said
impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn
near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels
through the galaxy ... any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't
mess with.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start walking down an aisle where several prize-winning bulls are stalled. A sign on the first
bull's stall reads: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. That's nearly
once a week. Isn't that nice!."

They proceed to the next bull whose sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "That's over
5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"

The last bull's stall had a sign saying: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open as she says, "WOW!!!
That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could REALLY learn a whole lot from this one !!!"

The man, finally fed up, turns to his wife and says,"Go ask him if he DID the same cow every day."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Q: Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A engineer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a"brief."

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

A maid knows more about the people in the household than their minister or the doctor.

An actor knows if you want a small or large order of fries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the
winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the
winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his
comfortable home with a table filled with
food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy
Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group
singing, "We Shall Overcome." Jesse then has the
group kneel down to pray to G-d for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the
grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the
summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to
pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and Federal
judges that Bill had appointed from a list
of single-parent welfare recipients oversee the case. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government
house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because the grasshopper
doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug-related incident, and the
house (now abandoned) is taken over by a
gang of spiders who terrorize the once-peaceful neighborhood.

G-d Bless America!
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