Not Ranked
=*= Top 10 Euphemisms for "Stupid" =*=
10 Routinely outsmarted by cheese
9 Three experts short of an antitrust suit
8 A few planets short of a federation
7 Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
6 Duh! on parade
5 Still cutting with rounded scissors
4 At least one Brady short of a Bunch
3 Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2 T minus dumb and counting
and the Number 1 Euphemism for "Stupid"...
1 "Good afternoon, Boulder Colorado Homicide"
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The bishop of Winchester Junction
Found his phallus would no longer function.
So in black crepe he wound it,
Tied a lily around it,
And solemnly gave it last unction.
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."
There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.
A nudist girl wearing three raisins
A masquerade prize was her goal.
The judges said, "Lookie,
From the front she's a cookie,
And the back she's a Parker House roll.
There was an old sculptor named Phidias
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie---
Which startled the purely fastidious.
There was a young girl named Dalrymple
Whose sexual equipment was so simple
That on examination they found
Little more than a mound
In the centre of which was a dimple.
A gallant young Frenchman named Grandhomme
Was attempting a girl on a tandem.
At the height of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random
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WORDS OF WISDOM
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.
Time may be a great healer,
but it's also a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess ...
why can't it get us out?
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you
just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth half of what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.
I'm not afraid of heights,
just afraid of widths.
Practice safe eating,
always use condiments.
I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from
a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Bill Gates said it first.
The real art of conversation
is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
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I am in shape. Round is a shape.
***************************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
***************************
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.
***************************
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.
**************************
There will always be death and taxes;however, death doesn't get worse
every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
Dijon vu --the same mustard as before.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I am having an out of money experience.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
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Some advice for guys: When the red river's flowin', take the dirt road.
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TOP FIVE REASONS WHY G-D CREATED EVE
5. G-d worried that Adam would frequently become lost in
the garden because he would not ask for directions.
4. G-d knew that Adam would never go out and get
himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and
would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
3. G-d knew that Adam would never be able to remember
which night to put the garbage on the curb.
2. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember
where he left his tools.
And finally...
1. When G-d finished the creation of Adam, He stepped
back, scratched His head and said,
"I can do better than that."
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