[bonyhadi]

You know you're getting old when

you can't tell the difference between a heart attack and an orgasm
===============================================
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different
prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until
at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon
just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided
to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have
enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your
remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter"
signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in
half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there
are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your
bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but
us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on
your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
================================================== ====
500 thousand Americans now have genital herpes. This is not to be
confused with facial herpes. If you get it on yer face, it's herpes
simplex, but if you get it down "there" it's herpes complex. If you get

it both places it's herpes duplex. There are various strains of the
disease, such as whorepes, which is transmitted by prostitutes who
don't bathe regularly. It is sometimes confused with hopis, which you
can get from certain Indians.
Any contact at all with filthy midgets can lead to a nasty case of
twerpes.
And if you make love to a person who works at a Sno-Cone stand, you may
get a case of slurpes. For those who are vegetarians, just remember
that sleeping with a green giant could give you Le-Sueur-peas; and
kissing a canary can cause a bad spell of chirpes.
================================================== ===========
The definition of a Jewish menage a trois?
Two headaches and a hard-on.
=================================
What's better than hugging a doggie?
Kissing a *****!
===========================================
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle
of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so
they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for
the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two
people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person
to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two
people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they
created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll
officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an
Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal
Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year
and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they
laid off the night watchman.
==================================================
More things you will never hear a man say.

* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when
she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at
them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
===============================
Ken was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the
doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There
stood a gorgeous young woman.
"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong
house."
"Young lady, you may be at the right house," Ken assured her. "But
you're forty years too late."
==================================================
Blonde Moments!

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
announcer

say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can
get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must
park...........", then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
============================
Oldie And A Goodie!

Buckwheat and Darla are in school. The teacher asks Darla,
"How do you spell "dumb"?
Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now, spell "stupid". Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d,
stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla sayss
"Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell
dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says,"D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my
dictate good.
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