[bonyhadi]

RULES OF SEX

1. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
2. Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them !
3. Abstain from wine, women and song...mostly song.
4. Never argue with a woman when she is tired...or rested.
5. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
6. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
7. Don't say No, say Maybe, or say any old thing...say maybe next year,...but don't say No.
8. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
9. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
10. Anal sex can have positive results.
11. Go Up and you'll find heaven; Go Down and you'll find salvation.
12. Take two or three at bedtime.
13. Confusing sexuality, bestiality, morality, and reality, ... can really mess you up.
14. Original Sin is no longer available, but the digitally enhanced version is readily available.
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NOTICE TO MALE TAX PAYERS

January 1, 2002
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
RE: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off,
30% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 2002 your penis will be taxed according to its size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this
information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.
*12-10 inches --Luxury Tax --$50.00
*10-8 inches --Pole Tax --$30.00
* 8-6 inches --Privilege Tax --$15.00
* 6-4 inches --Nuisance Tax --$5.00

Please Note:
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a full refund.

Males exceeding 12 inches must file for Capital Gains.

Please do not request an extension

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Services
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NEED A HINGE

A blonde goes into a hardware store and tells the clerk, "I'm looking for a hinge." The Clerk proceeds to show her an assorted array of
hinges. After examination of the hinges, she picks the one she prefers.

"Would you like a screw for that hinge?" asks the clerk.

"No," she replies, "But, I'll blow you for that toaster."
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There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife is an amorous soul
On fire for an African's pole.
She told a coon chauffeur
That he was her gopher---
And, say, did he go for her hole!
==========================
A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economize in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So
she spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.

She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers.

He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to discussing such things with ladies.

She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?

He: Oh, sometimes...

She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes?

He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather.

She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it?

He: No, most certainly not!

She: Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then?

He: Of course I haven't.

She: You should try it then sometime, it takes the stiffness out of it.

He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl.

She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it nowadays anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one?

He: Yes, it is rather on the long side.

She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's dry?

He: Yes.

She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?

He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark.

She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I'll
unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn... now I'll
have to go back to matches.

The young man collapses.
======================
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And then you die. What's that? A bonus? I think the life-cycle is
all backwards. It should go in order like this:

1. You should die first and get it all over with.
2. Then you live in an old age home.
3. You get kicked out when you're too young.
4. You get a gold watch.
5. You go to work.
6. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
7. You do drugs, alcohol and party.
8. You get ready for high school.
9. You go to grade school and become a kid.
10. You play. You have no responsibilities.
11. You become a little baby & go back into the womb.
12. You spend your last nine months floating...
13. Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it.
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.....Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California . . .. . . WAS HIS.....
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . .Making the last car payment......
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week......
If you can't keep a secret, you don't need to know it......
Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault.I said I was going to blame it on you.".....
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon......
Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money......
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum......
Is your holier side your altar ego?.....
I need someone to refresh my memory. How many cars are allowed through an intersection after the light turns red?Is it three or five?.....
What's dumber, expecting educators to be entertaining, or expecting entertainment to be educational?
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A DOG NAMED SEX
Everybody who has a dog
calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex
Now Sex has been embarrassing to me.
When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license,
I told One day I entered Sex in a contest,
but before the competition began the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there,
looking around. I told him that I had planned to have Sex in the contest.
He told me I should have sold my own tickets.
"But you don't understand" I said,
"I had planned to have Sex on T.V."
He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated
we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married!!"
The Judge said, "Me too".
Then I told him that after I was married
that Sex had left me. He said "Me too".
Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked me
what I was doing in the alley at 4 O'clock in the morning.
I said looking for Sex. My case comes up Monday........
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HANDY USES FOR A CONDOM

*Hair tie

*Slip 'er over a payphone to avoid "NASTY" germs

*Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)

*Neat travel case for your toothbrush

*Wet suit for a ferret

*Finger puppets

*Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders

*Rubber boot for a peg leg

*Latex toe warmers

*Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors

*Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis situation.

*Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood

*To keep candles dry when camping

*Build your own incredible "Water Weenies" ...(my fav of them all)

*To quickly fill water pistols

*Bicycle tire tube

*Change purse

*Goodyear Blimp model

*For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for potty breaks

*Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to the doc for a checkup
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