[bonyhadi]

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to
defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said,
"but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury.
I know another lawyer," he continued,
"who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and
really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney,
but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness,
a neighbor, began his testimony.
"I saw Jud mount his goat from behind," he said,
"and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jud's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given
up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him,
"You know, a good goat will do that...."
==================================

Smealth: The ability to secretly leave behind body odor

in an elevator to be blamed on the next person who enters.
=====================
Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat
falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying.
His mom comes running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells
his mother "Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis.
Kiss it make it better."

"Johnny your getting more and more like your father everyday." His
mother says.
======================
There's a German, a Frenchman, and a Polack on a train, and their
conversation turns to sex... They begin to ponder the shape of the
male sex organ, and in particular, what the head is for...

Says the German, "The head is there to please the man!" Says the
Frenchman, "No, the head is there to pleasure the woman!" Says the
Pole, "You guys are both wrong, it's there to keep your hand from
slipping off!!"
==============================
Harry still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be seventy.
his wife was asked if she minded. She answerd. "Why should I be upset?
Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive!
==========================
It’s Harold’s first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of
his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk
when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife’s foot tapping on the
porch.

He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the
steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs
back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver,
can’t stand it. Burnett asks, Harold, it’s none of my business, but
why’d you kiss her down there?

Harold says, You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning.
===========================
WHAT MARTHA COULD DO WHILE IN PRISON

1. Decoupage license plates
2. Paint a charming window scene in her prison cell
3. Embroider her monogram on her lively orange jumpsuit
4. Teach prison workers the fine art of nouvelle cuisine
5. Create whimsical centerpieces out of cigarette butts and playing
cards
6. Soften the entrance of the prison with decorative wreaths made of
barbed wire and chicken bones
7. Be forced to make her cell mattress with sheets from her K-Mart
collection
8. Weave sun hats for daily outings to the highway for trash pickup
detail
9. Demonstrate the skills needed to decorate a wedding cake and how to
conceal weapons
10. Be tortured in solitary confinement with her own television show
played 24 hours a day.
===========================
One woman was complaining to her friend,
"My sex life is awful. My husband doesn't have the foggiest idea how to
make me cum.
What's worse is, he gets mad when I try to tell him."
"Do what I did," 2nd gal replied. "I told my husband that I was
exactly like his Computer."
"Like his Computer?" replies the 1st woman.
"Yeah," the 2nd woman replied. "We both come with instructions."
==========================
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator
from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot
on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a
cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot,
then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."
======================
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits go in front.
******************
If a blonde and a brunette jump off a building,which one would hit the
ground first??
The brunette..the blonde has to stop to ask for directions!!
==============================
Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding.
"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that."
"All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.
You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if
she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!'
you hit her with the shovel!"
========================
Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they
would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal
experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer:
"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one
behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the
similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst:
"Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing -
but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the
same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact
you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is
hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks
on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that,
before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them. Oh my G-d, what have I just said?"
=======================
Doug's wife suggested a book for him to read to enhance theirrelationship. It's entitled, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS; MEN ARE WRONG.
============================
An alternate way to record the passing of years into old age is to recall that first, you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up,
followed by that final, fatal time when you forget to pull your zipper...down!
==========================
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After along list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed
the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam.
He has told me himself."
The rich ***** just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that too?"
"No, Madam," said the maid. "Not your husband but the mail man!"
===============================
RUBBERY THING

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

OUT SO LATE

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "you know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take off my shoes before I go into the house, I
sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"


His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes
into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'you as horny as I am?'... and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
=====================