[bonyhadi]

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Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it, George! I've had it this time," his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied. "You don't even know where I'm getting it."
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The letter below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States.The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must had
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also
for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of
the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, (like you) choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at
your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:......
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. (Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry... The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on
occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie": "Oh, the
banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have
always been quick to pass on to me.

Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client,

xxxxx xxxxxxx
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The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
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Tailgating Bumper Sniackers

Back Off, I'm a postal worker.
Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you.
Now that you are on my ass, you wanna get married?
Unless you are a hemorrhoid, get off my ass!
If you can't stop when I do, smile as you go under!
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop!
I'm not tailgating I'm drafting!
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinate
If you can read this, your too close. (Written in Braille)
If you can read this, you're in phaser range
Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns
Do Not Tailgate, Or I Will Flick a Booger on your windshield!
I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!
If you come any closer, I'll eat you.
Back Off Or The Next Body In My Trunk Will Be Yours!
Get a little close. My brakes work real good and I need a new car.
Hope you're hungry cause you're about to eat my rear bumper.
I Don't Do 69 So Stop Trying To Eat My Ass!!!
If You Can Read This You're Close Enough To Get F----d.
The Driver Of This Car Is Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
Pretend I'm A Nun And Back Your Ass Off.
I Drive Like A Nun Because I Am A Nun You Dumb Bastard.
I only have two speeds: Park and Bat-Outa-Hell.Wanna see how fast I can park?
I HATE TAILGATERS!!!But my 357 Magnum just loves them.
I use my finger to dial 911 only after I've pulled the trigger.
The last bastard that tailgated me bought me this car, and I'm ready for a different one.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
====================================
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and
lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
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One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look, Daddy, the Green soldiers just blew the Hell out
of the Tan soldiers.''
Shocked, the wife tells the boy to go to his room and think about what he just said.
A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and you play soldiers, and you can blow the hell out of me?"
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To the woman who stole my husband:
Thank you very much!
The joke is on you.
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