[bonyhadi]

This is too funny!
Attachment 433k (video/x-ms-asf) Inlaws - Norwegian Airline.ASF
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A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she
was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He
went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted
through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the
unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband...much happier ! "

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
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SERIOUS SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you
shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
8. You suspect that most of your blouses have ' missing ' buttonholes.
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ACADEMIC BULL**** PHRASES COMPLETED , , , , ,

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand
the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also
applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bull****.
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Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes However, and this is the good part having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes So smokers ... Screw for your lives!
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THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE THE PERFECT PARENT
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10. You're lobbying hard to get all three toddlers on the upcoming "Survivor:
Africa."

9. "Maybe you'd be more popular, son, if you were good at something."

8. You've earned "Platinum Preferred Guest" status on the Jerry Springer Show.

7. Not only is it unsafe to let little Jeremy drive at age 9, but the windows on the getaway car aren't even bulletproof.

6. Instead of spit and a handkerchief, you clean your kids' faces with turpentine and sandpaper -- because that's the way *your* father did it.

5. You suspect your son may not be getting the Ayatollah's full recommended daily allowance of floggings.

4. All of Bobby's teenaged friends hang at your place -- because you roll the best.

3. "Okay, okay! You can stay up to watch South Park. Now be a good girl and give Daddy back his Smith & Wesson."

2. Rather than spend money on expensive lessons, you teach little Suzy how to tap dance the old fashioned way... with a loaded revolver.

1. You keep confusing Similac with Sambuca.
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This vehicle leased to: American Association for the Abolition of Acronym Abuse Regional Group Headquarters / Staff Transport Office Pool (AAAAARGH/STOP)
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=*= Top 10 Euphemisms for "Stupid" =*=

10. Routinely outsmarted by cheese
9. Three experts short of an antitrust suit
8. A few planets short of a federation
7. Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
6. Duh! on parade
5. Still cutting with rounded scissors
4. At least one Brady short of a Bunch
3. Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2. T minus dumb and counting and the Number 1 Euphemism for "Stupid"...
1. "Good afternoon, Boulder Colorado Homicide"
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Age and Womanhood"

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?
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How many members of each astrological sign does it take to change a lightbulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just TRY to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Ummm, is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out lightbulb?

Capricorn: I won't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces: Lightbulb? There's a lightbulb? What lightbulb?
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