[bonyhadi]

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second
dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required
depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"
"What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
==================================
What do you call a Jewish woman's waterbed?
The Dead Sea.
~~~~~~~
Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.
~~~~~~~
How can you tell if you're in a lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have any balls.
=================================
Two 80 year old geezers are driving down the road when they hear the
Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young
again."

John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a
bottle of that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two old geezers pull over and get a bottle of
Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young
yet?"

"No," replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue
to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"

"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"
====================================
Mrs. Jones had a feeling that her husband was cheating on her so
she got two of the kids from next door to spy on him and see if he
was cheating on her.
The two boys climbed up a tree and looked
onto Mrs. Jones's bedroom window and saw Mr. Jones having sex
with Miss Smith and went back and told Mrs. Jones what they saw.
It happened three times in one week which upset Mrs. Jones,
so she filed for divorce.
While in court the judge asked if Mrs. Jones had any witnesses, to
which she replied, "Yes, two boys from next door."
The judge asked one of the boys to explain what he saw.
He said, "Judge, I climbed up in the tree and saw Miss Smith and
Mr. Jones take off all there clothes and started ****-in."
With that the Judge got upset and said, "You can't use that language
in this court," and thru him out.
When he asked the second boy to explain what he saw, he told
him to explain to him without using the bad language.
"Well, Judge," he said, "There was Mr. Jones and Miss Smith in the
bedroom, and they took off all their clothes. There was ten toes up
and ten toes down, two big asses going round and round,
meat fly in and meat fly out, if that ain't ****-in you can kick me
out!"
==============
The Top 12 Non-Lethal Weapons Rejected by the Military...

-->Servo-Activated Tactical Banana Cream Pie

-->Platoons of mice duct-taped with tiny speakers blaring
Roseanne's rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner"

-->Extra-itchy tags to plant in enemy underpants

-->A battalion of guys who go on and on about the dream they
had last night

-->.357 Poo Pistol

-->Nasal Attainment/Detention Device -- For deployment in
large scale "got your nose" assaults

-->Camel cigarettes (filterless)

-->Loud recitation of a list of funny hurricane names,
translated into the appropriate language

-->Nerf bayonets

-->Very, very slow bullets

-->The Greenpeace Petition Launcher

-->Bright white flags, waved briskly to blind the opposing
force
========================================
Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.
===================================
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the
wedding, they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the
new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are they doing, honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are they doing, honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get
ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each
other's body.
The bride discovers her husband's penis. "What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks.
"They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "Undo those knots. I need more rope!"
=====================
A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks
down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on
the creatures rather hideous appearance. Princess: "My, but you are
really an ugly frog!"

Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."

Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."

Frog: "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell."

Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"

Frog: "I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."
===============================
Hello my sex pot," breathed the obscene phone caller. " I know you are the
hottest woman in Dallas. If you can guess what's in my hand,
I'll give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one
hand, I ain't the least bit interested...."
===============================
A dumb guy finds fifty cents in his couch at home. He is horny, so he
goes to the local whorehouse and tells the lady at the desk, "Give me
your best whore!" She yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up Sally!" and
says, "That'll be five hundred dollars, please." The man says, "Oh, I
don't have that much." The woman says, "Okay, then, Harry grease up
Monica! That'll be two hundred dollars, please." The guy says, "I don't
have that much." So the woman yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up
Shaniqua! That'll be fifty dollars, please." The guy says, "Oh, I don't
have that much." So the woman says, "Well, how much do you have?" He
says "Fifty cents."
So she yells upstairs "Harry, grease up!"
==================================
I DID NOT HEAR YOU~~~

It's springtime, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His legs are
wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his
eyes.
His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like
you were supposed to?"
He says, "Hibernate? I thought you said masturbate!"
================================
~~~NOT ALLOWED~~~

Doctor, kiss me.
The Doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once".
Again he refuses, apologetically, but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with the doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f--king you"
=====================
HEARING PROBLEM

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
"Doctor, I think my wife is getting deaf because she never hears me
the first time and always I have to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 25 feet from her and say something to her in a normal tone of voice. If she doesn't reply move
about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

So the husband goes home and does exactly as the doctor instructed. He starts off about 25 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some
vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an 6 inches away from her ear, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
=====================
DATING HINTS FOR GENTLEMEN

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things
NOT to say on a date...

* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I
wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to
mix alcohol and penicillin.

* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

* People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't
hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* I like clay. It's mushy.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used
to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people
I date just won't be as smart as I am.