[bonyhadi]

DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.
Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
British Constitution


IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer
I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.
===================
A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. The couple'sconversation headed towards political and international events. The husband asked, "Honey,
what do you think about the Middle East position?"
His wife replied, "I don't know, Dear. Have we already tried it?"
======================
This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away. After hours of waiting, her
name is called, and she's taken to the examination room.
The doctor asks, "Okay, My Good Woman, what is your problem?"
"Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to
save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now I can't get it out!"
The doctor says, "Don't be nervous, I see things like this all the time." He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with her legs
apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks, "I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?"
==========================
Josh had always been a big fan of Walt Disney. He saw every film that the DisneyStudios put out. So it was no surprise when he headed to Disneyland looking for a
jobas a tour guide. And his interview went something like this:
Interviewer, "So why would you like to work for us?"
Josh, "I've been a big fan for many years. I reckon that I know as much about your characters as anyone. I'd make an exceptionally good tour guide."
Interviewer, "Tell you what. If you can answer 3 questions, I won't just hire you, I'll give you the job of Head Tour Guide."
Josh, "Sounds great!"
Interviewer, "First Question: Who is Mickey Mouse's girlfriend?"
Josh, "Minnie Mouse."
Interviewer, "Second Question: Name our 2 most famous dogs."
Josh, "Pluto and Goofy."
Interviewer, "Very Good. Speaking of dogs, I assume you saw the movie 101 Dalmatians?"
Josh, "Sure did."
Interviewer, "Okay, name them."
==============================================
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather
screw a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that? You'll feel better, too."
"You don't understand. He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
========================
Sexual EmoticonsYou have seen emoticon tits, and asses. Now it is time for you to take a gander at the Penises...
8> A Cold dick

8===> A Hot dick

C==(( ) Cave man dick (side view)

( .|=|. ) Tit screwing

} top view of a senior citizen's hard-on

:-) -: Smilie with an erection

:-( :- Impotent (Or let down).

:-( -8 Blue balls.

;-) o===8 Braggart.

:-\ 8o After a cold shower.

;-) ===8 Circumcised.

8-O --* Just before doubling over with pain.

:-) -^-: In need of some corrective surgery.

:-) :-... Taking a leak.

:-} -oo-: Taking matters into hand.

:-o ^^: After zipping up fly too fast.

B=D Short penis

B~~D Limp penis

B==Q Prince Albert penis

-> teeny pee pee

==========================
Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and
I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow-going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was
me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I
said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he
didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get
him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards I just wanted to confront him, but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I
really think he's seeing someone else.
****************************
His Side of the Story:

The Yankees lost. Got laid though.
======================================
Business ideas that somehow failed...

GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract retirees,
despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent
burial plots
and other amenities.

PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.

STICKY WICKETS
Preowned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.

HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.

PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in "50,000 mile
tune-ups."

UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a long-term
customer base.

IN THE CLOSET
A line of closet organizers that never caught on with young marrieds
and new homeowners.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for hemorrhoids...available in all your favorite
fragrances
================================================== ===========

Useless Penis Facts

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000 Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35gallons Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
Average length when erect: 5.1
Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall
Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight
Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks
Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9
Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years
Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: Almost 6
In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats)
produce a buttery or fishy taste.Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to
be the foulest.
Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi,
lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.
Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.
It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.
Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.
==================================
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she
sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears...

"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .
You know what?"

"What my dear?" she gently asked, smiling and leaning closer as her
heart filled with warmth.

"You're bad luck, get the **** away from me."
================