SOLDIER'S LETTER
A SOLDIER RECEIVED A LETTER FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT HE COULDN'T SHOW IT TO HIS FRIENDS,
BECAUSE SHE SIGNED IT "MOTHER," AND THIS IS WHAT SHE WROTE:
M- IS FOR THE MANY TIMES WE DID IT. O- IS FOR THE OTHER TIMES WE TRIED.T- IS FOR THE TERRIFIC TIMES
WE HAVE.H- IS FOR THE HOTEL WE WENT TO.E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY WE WENT.R- IS FOR THE RHYTHM WE
HAD.
THAT SPELLS "MOTHER" -- WHAT I'M GOING TO BE IN 9 MONTHS.
HE WROTE BACK AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:
F- IS FOR THE ****ED UP LETTER YOU SENT ME.A- IS FOR THE ASS YOU ARE.T- IS FOR THE TROUBLE YOUR
IN.H- IS FOR THE HOE YOU REALLY ARE.E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY YOU GAVE IT UP.R- IS FOR THE ROMANCE
WE NEVER HAD.
AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M THE FATHER
THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE BABY:
B- IS FOR THE BABY WITHOUT A FATHER.A- IS FOR THE ABORTION YOU BETTER GET.B- IS FOR THE BASTARD
HE OR SHE WILL BE.Y- IS FOR THE "YES" WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO."
SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT A FEW THINGS IN THE FIRST LETTER
SO SHE WROTE THE DICKLESS WONDER BACK AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID:
B- IS FOR THE BEEF YOU HAD WITH ME.E- IS FOR THE EATING YOU DID.S- IS FOR THE GOOD ***** YOU
SUCKED.T- IS FOR THE TIMES I GOT YOU HARD.F- IS FOR THE FUNNY MADE DICK YOU HAVE.R- IS THE RASH
ON YOUR ASS.I- IS FOR THE INTERCOURSE THAT WAS BORING.E- IS FOR THE ENERGY FOR YOU TO CUM.N- IS
FOR THE NASTY ASS DOG YOU ARE.D- IS FOR THE DAD YOUR GOING TO BE.
AND THAT SPELLS "BESTFRIEND" -- WHO I WAS ****IN' WHILE YOU WERE AWAY.
=======================
FIVE KINDS OF SEX
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the
kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "**** you!"
5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in
the courtroom.
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ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE
Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your kneesYou know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawlSlide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
So when the ****'s he gonna cumJust, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Okay already, that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.
===========================
About Women
Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything
on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't
understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah
Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional
for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider, a wasp or roach
involved.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being
untrustworthy, providing they only tell 2 or 3 people.
Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling or
another woman calling to gossip.
Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an
'on/off' switch.
Women think all beer is the same.
Women keep 3 different shampoos and 2 different conditioners in the shower. After a Woman showers, the
bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
Women don't understand the appeal of sports.
Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of
how horrible things could be.
If a man goes on a 7 day trip, he'll pack 4 days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice. If a Woman
goes on a 7 day trip she'll pack 21 outfits, because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women brush their hair before bed.
Watch a Woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it
that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know anything about cars. '
Oil-stick,
oil doesn't stick?'
Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a VERY LARGE bowl to
pee in, but only because they always seem to pee on the wall or floor instead. I guess Men need even BIGGER
bowls.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when Women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Women love to talk on the phone. A Woman can visit her girlfriend for 2 weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for 3 hours.
Women will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or
get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that).
PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
Women are insecure about their weight, butt, breast sizes and age.
Women will make 3 right-hand turns to avoid making 1 left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in Woman-language than it does in man-language.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
Women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by
asking, 'What did you do?'
Only Women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the
responsibilities that go with those rights.
All Women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the
check.
If a man ticks off a Woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but
makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (Which gets them in
more trouble)
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and
then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking 2 seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested forcoming on to the Cop.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women
trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried.
Women fake orgasm, because men fake foreplay.
It's okay for Women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out
other Women.
Men can never catch Women checking out other men; Women will always catch men checking out other
Women.
The most embarrassing thing for Women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.
You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-G-D, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'
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