[bonyhadi]

A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer
during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you
have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through
that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called.
=======================

Did you hear about the blonde that...

....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a
period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot
glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't
find the left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor
pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6
for directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a
fork.
====================================

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE:

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without
bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, 'cause
the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the
influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
========================
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say...

1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our
relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and
I can hold your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something
meaningful on the "Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are
open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell
her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't
look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's
Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?
==============================

12 STEP PROGRAM

1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail. 3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me
money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or
anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER--NEVER!!
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone
will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when
he was 7 years old. He is now 20, cancer free and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL
CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if
passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive
immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of
disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ.
If G-d wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
==============================
A woman is having her annual physical and after all the
poking, prodding and tests, the physician says gravely,
"I'm sorry, but you have only 12 hours to live".
Hearing this, the woman rushes home, explains her
condition to her husband and exclaims, "I want to
spend this whole evening having wild and crazy sex."
Her husband replies, "That's easy for you to say, honey.
You don't have to get up in the morning!"
=================================