Lezbonics
1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? ...A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?... A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ...Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because
they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? ...Fur Traders.
7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.
8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ...Well Hung.
9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint. (eeewwwww)
10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? ...POTPOURRI.
11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? ...See you next
month
12. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ...She was found face
down in Ricki Lake.
13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? ...Even the pool table
doesn't
have balls.
14. Do you know what drag is? ...It's when a man wears everything
lesbian won't.
15. What do you call lesbian twins? ...Lick-a-likes.
16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? ...She kick-starts her
vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
17. What's the definition of confusion? ...Twenty blind lesbians in a
fish market.
18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's
a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite sister walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Sir, did you call for me?"
The mans replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent,
hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"
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Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
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A guest in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one
morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile, "Good Morning,
sir. What a wonderful morning! I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so
undercooked that it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's
tough and hard to eat.
Also, I want some grilled bacon that has been left out
so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as
soon as you touch it with a knife; and I'd like some butter straight
from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of weak
coffee, lukewarm."
"I'm sorry, sir." said the bewildered waiter. "We cannot do that for
you."
The guest replied, "Oh?, But that's what I got yesterday!"
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One day in the Garden of Eden while Adam was away,
Eve became really horny. As she was not expecting Adam
back for a while, she decided to go off and look for some fun.
Walking along, she spotted a dinosaur, grabbed it,
and ****ed it till it died. Still not satisfied,
she came across some monkeys playing in the trees.
She tried to grab them, but all she could get were handfuls
of their hair. She continued on and came to a stream.
She reached in and pulled at the biggest fish she
could find and, using it like a dildo, ****ed herself
until she was satisfied. This has taught science many things.
We now know why the dinosaurs became extinct.
We also know why monkeys have no hair on their ass.
But to this day we still don't know how fish used to smell.
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Chop and Drop Syndrome
WOMEN CHOPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBAND'S PENIS, DROPS IT FROM MOVING CAR!" DON'T LAUGH, ITS TRUE! IT
COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!! Right now, thousands of agitated, irate women have read this headline and are
contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong
way, or just generally piss them off! MEN, PROTECT YOURSELF NOW!
If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome), could you be sure the appropriate authorities would
find your chopped member in time, and intact!
Could you be sure the penis part they found was even yours?
INQUIRE NOW ABOUT OUR LOW COST PENIS PROTECTION PLAN!
Plan A - The "Basic Package" We will register your penis and scrotum and tattoo them with their own unique
registration numbers, insuring that in case of separation, you will get a perfect match EVERY TIME!
Plan B - The "Jurassic Prick" program. We will take a cell sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for you
in the event a tractor-trailer rig runs over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for a chew
toy!
Plan C - "Balls of Steel" For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one-size-fits-all battery operated
stainless steel jock strap that can be worn when necessary.
When you are asleep, an alarm will be activated when metal or other hazardous objects come within one foot of the jock
strap. This will guarantee you a full night's sleep, free of worry!
DON'T GET CAUGHT SHORT...... ORDER TODAY!
CALL 1-800-SAV-A-DIK
======================
Amusing Irrelevant Facts
Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.
Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast.
In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.
America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
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