[bonyhadi]

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
So when the ****'s he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Okay already, that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.
=============================
Using the keyboard to measure your DillyWhacker


1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard.
Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key
on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z
key).
2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is
``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes the.)
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare
intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.

Cautions

1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two keyboards end to end.
3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.
4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can
also be used to diagnose some genital disorders.

Test Results Diagnosis

1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome
12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis
12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.
12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.
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The ultimate list of excuses:
I'd love to but...
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I'm trying to be less popular.
I have to study for a blood test.
I have to rotate my crops.
===================
A man came home and said to his wife, "Honey, I'm sure horny, how about
a little bit tonight."

No, she said, I've got cold cream on my face and I'm afraid I might get
it on the bed.

He said ok and went on to bed. The next night he came in and said"
Honey, i'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit"?

She said no, I've got a mud pack on my face and I'm afraid I might mess
up the bed.

He said ok and went on to sleep. The next night he came home and said,
"Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit"?

She said no, I took a laxitive and I'm afraid I might **** on the bed.

He said ok and went on to sleep. The next night he came home and said,
"Honey, i'm really getting horny, how about a little bit tonight"?

She said, no, I'm on my period. I'm afraid I might get blood on the bed.

OK he said and went on to sleep. The next night he came home with a big
cowboy hat, jeans and spurs on.

His wife asked what the outfit was for.

He replied, "Cream, mud, ****, or blood, old Tex is gonna ride tonight"
=======================
A man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun. He suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken
to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused
agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the
nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs."
=================
John had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went.
"The first night we did it nine times,"
"The second night, eight times.
The third night, seven times.
The fourth night, six times.
The fifth night, five times.
The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried shoving a wet noodle up a wild cat's ass"?
=====================================
On the Internet they found romance
That put them both into a sexual trance
But each had a gripe
About having to type
With a hand stuck down into the pants.
==================================
At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One
Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was
smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the
offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take
any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get into the confessional," which Joe did. Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said,
"I can't hear you." Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you." This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU
TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question." So they
traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair;
is that true?"
The priest answered, "By golly, you can't hear in here."
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