[bonyhadi]

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband
decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns. The woman stands there shaken for a moment,
and then exclaims, "HOLY****! IT WORKS!"
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Doug went to the doctor today for a small problem. He was unable to straighten out his fingers for a while and thought he should check into it. Well, his doctor, being
the progressive type, gave him a script for a low dosage of Viagra to see if that might help with the problem... and it surely did!
His fingers are now straighter than they have ever been. But the side effect is killing Doug. Now that he can't curl his fingers, he can't get any satisfaction at all.
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First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to
put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.
She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?
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A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so
he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid.
"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!"
His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"
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Why is a beer better than a woman?

You can enjoy a beer all month long.
A frigid beer is good.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
A beer never gets a headache.
If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
You can share a beer with a friend.
You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
A beer doesn't get pregnant.
A beer doesn't have parents.
You can say whatever you want to a beer.
A beer doesn't care if you are late.
And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
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TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
7. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpits are too cute.
6. This diamond is just way too big.
5. Does this make my ass look too small.
4. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches!
2. I think hairy balls are so sexy.
1. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
=========================

Diary of a Smoker-Quitting

Day One: ****.

Day One again only the next day:

Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind
me of cigarettes.
Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.
Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him.
Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area.
It's about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one.
That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives! with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't frigging care.
Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation.
Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

Day two, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.

Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six
times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist my system flush poison."

Am feeling unusually testy as result of
lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies.
Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.

Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip.

Clean closets. Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
Put in extra dryer sheets
(Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)
Decide to take walk. Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.

Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.

Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair.

Day 4: Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier - received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person.

Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate.

Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess.

Day 472:
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. ( Federal crime.)

Day 478:
Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade.
Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.

Day 552:
Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress. Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of
cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots.
Decide husband will live as price too steep.

Day 558:
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment
to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
Feel much better.

Day 691:
Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last moments. Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel
slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric.

Warden enters cell excitedly;
Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal
"It Takes a Village" crimes statute:
new law allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.

Day 1: ****.


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Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?

To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
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