Q: Which is the odd one out? TV, Fridge, Washing Machine, Woman.
A: The TV. The other three leak when they're ****ed!
Q: What's white, jelly-like and runs down a public toilet wall?
A: George Michaels' latest release.
Q: Did you hear that George Michael was found dead in his cell?
A: Apparently the cause of death was a massive stroke.
Q: What are George Michael's favorite baseball teams?
A: The Expos and the Yanks.
Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the Abo's to the tip.
Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.
Q: How do you get a hippie to stop rolling joints?
A: Cut off his fingers.
Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman washing her fanny?
A: A nun has a soul full of hope.
Q: Why is being in the Army like a PG movie?
A: Too much violence and not enough sex.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the **** out of you.
Q: What did the Pollack do before going to the cockfight?
A: Greased his zipper.
Q: How do ******s dispose of their condoms?
A: By Farting
Q: Why don't Italians have freckles?
A: They slide off.
Q: What does a toilet and a woman have in common?
A: Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth ****.
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield?
A: It's arsehole.
Q: What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss?
A: A kidney dialysis machine!
Q: How do you take a head count in Israel?
A: Roll a quarter down the street.
Q: How can you pick an Irish pirate?
A: He wears a patch over both eyes.
Q: What's the logo for the new Irish tampon?
A: "We may not be number 1, but were still up there!
Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: So that they match the appliances.
Q: How do you spot a kiwi in a shoe shop
A: He's the one standing near the moccasins with a hard-on.
Q: What is the proper thing to throw at a pregnant bride at her wedding?
A: Puffed rice.
Q: What do you call a good looking girl in Poland?
A: A tourist!
Q: What's the hardest part of a sex change operation?
A: Removing half the brain.
Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
========
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when
she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for
her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from
his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly
commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned
around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny?
Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every
window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is
getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her
tires. Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car
and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the
circle.
==========================
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The
receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The
receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By
this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says,
"I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week.
Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
==========================
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in
the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the
husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat.
Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick,
measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought; just about the same size."
The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone.
She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife
and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold
shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied,"
You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little
weenie, do you?"
=======================
You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental
image or what?)
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." Your wife weighs more
then your refrigerator.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and
grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one
gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal
underwear.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the
oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
======================
What Was He?
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
=========================
For those of us getting on in years and needing a bit of exercise, I thought I might let you, my
friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might
wish to adopt this regimen - three days a week or so.
I started by standing outside, behind the house, and with a 5-lb. Potato sack in each hand,
extending my arms straight out to my sides and holding them there as long as I could.
After a few weeks I moved up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally,
100-lb. potato sacks. Finally I got to where I could lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and
hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute.
NEXT, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to over do it at
this level.