[bonyhadi]

20 Reasons why a Woman should call it a night

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling, while yelling woo-hoo, is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decide I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. Jack in the Box taco on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen (or bathroom) floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way....."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly jeans to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom, away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight!
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Charlie was a young and foolish pilot and wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, instead of
making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?
===========================================
Rednecks - You're A Redneck When... 2002 Edition

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

our property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to
spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
in jail.

You never wear a Motorcycle Helmet, even though you've already bashed
your head once or twice.

Your lifetime goal is to own an illegal fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the
side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher (or scrubber).

You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take
them out to see what it is.
==========================
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,
"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.

"Holy ****," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks,"Then answer this.....How do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English,
can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Psssssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably
can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you
this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door
in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up her nighty, got down on his knees and began to
kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..

WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
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